ASK THE EXPERT: Q We have three children – a girl who is five, a boy who is three and a new baby who is four months old. Our baby sleeps in our room, but we would like to move her into her own room soon.
This will mean that our older children will need to share a bedroom, for a while at least. Do you have any tips for a brother and sister sharing a room at their age? We are worried about them (a) keeping each other awake at bedtime (as happens on holidays) as they currently go to bed at the same time and share story-time with us, (b) waking each other during the night as our son still sometimes calls out for us, and (c) waking each other early in the morning if one wakes up before the other.
Have you any advice on easing this transition for everyone in the family?
AI may have mentioned before that sleep queries dominate my inbox; perhaps it is a reflection of how exhausted we parents get and how protective of our own sleep we are!
In your case, I do think you could try a few things to make the transition easier. Firstly, let the two children occupy the bedroom that currently “belongs” to your three-year-old son, as he seems the more unsettled of the two, and so will benefit from less disruption.
Maybe think about painting it a neutral colour that they both like, so that it becomes their room as opposed to his room.
Regarding going to sleep, this might be the perfect opportunity to start staggering the bedtimes. It is okay for your five year old to have an extra 15 minutes up.
This appropriately differentiates her age and may compensate for having to give up her room for the baby. It may be that you actually use these 15 minutes for reading time for her on the sofa, instead of in bed and then her settling time in bed will be shorter and less disruptive for her brother, who may not yet be asleep.
In my experience, most children sleep through the wakefulness of their siblings. Since your daughter won’t be attuned to meeting her brother’s needs at night she should sleep on, even if he wakes and calls. You can also encourage him to get up and come to you rather than calling out.
With regard to the mornings, in practice they may not wake each other anyway, and if they do then hopefully it will just mean they are more tired and ready for their bedtime that night. Also, if they are company for each other in the morning, you may not get disturbed.
Q My eldest daughter will be four on May 1st next year and will therefore be eligible to start school the following September. She will be four years and four months old. The school she will probably go to is a large mixed school and they have said that she would not necessarily be the youngest in the class, and that they have lots of post- Easter birthdays.
She is a bright child, but still quite emotional and prone to lots of tears but these episodes are getting less frequent. Her Montessori teacher thinks she will “probably” be okay as does my husband, who says: “I started at four and was fine”.
I am concerned that if we wait another year that she will be (a) bored in Montessori for that time and (b) will be too old for her class a year later. We have decided to wait until nearer the time to make a final decision, but I would welcome any advice on how to go about making this big decision?
AIt sounds like you are taking the right steps to make your decision. You are checking with her current preschool teacher and you are recognising how she seems to be coping at an emotional level right now.
I generally think that five is a better age for children to start school than four, as there is a much higher likelihood of children having the maturity to cope with the physical, social, emotional and intellectual demands that go with it.
However, general rules of thumb will always have exceptions and each parent has to try to make their best judgement about the readiness of their particular child.
Bear in mind that there is still a lot of development to occur in the next 10 months and so even thinking of her capacity now might be misleading. This means that you and your husband may be able to discuss it again, more fruitfully, next spring.
Waiting until the last moment before having to decide seems to me to be the best option. Then think about your daughter holistically and once you have decided, sell the idea to her wholeheartedly.
If she feels you are fully in support of her next big step – going to school – then she will approach it with greater confidence.
- David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
- Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irishtimes.com