Now that the Common Agriculture Policy has been sorted out, more or less, it's high time the EU did something about another area in which Ireland is a major contributor to a global overproduction problem.
I refer, of course, to literature. Nobody who's visited a bookshop recently can have escaped the fact there are way too many books being written. And while this may be a worldwide phenomenon, it has to be admitted that this country is responsible for more of them, per capita, than almost anywhere else.
It's an old truism that every Irish person has a book in him or her - the trouble is that these days, fewer and fewer of us have the necessary self-discipline to keep it there.
Of course, Ireland has always been ideally suited to literature production, with a climate that keeps people indoors most of the time, and a national that clean,
`In Kerry, where, frankly, I believe people have always had too much time on their hands, everybody is a writer'
product much sought after (especially compared with the work of foreign authors, which is often fuelled by illegal "growth" promoters).
Production levels vary hugely around the country, however. In the Border counties, for instance, literary activity is still relatively rare (and frowned upon). While in Co Kerry, where, frankly, I believe people have always had too much time on their hands, everybody is a writer.
But to get back to the world situation: literary overproduction wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't keep buying the things, and this is the nub of the problem.
AN EU book mountain now exists, and it's in my living room. I recently calculated that, based on the number of books I read in a year, I will have to live to be 120 to get through just the ones I already own. Yet within 24 hours of this realisation, I bought two more. What is wrong with me?
I know what's wrong with me - I have unreal expectations caused by reading too many books. Yet for every book I finish, there are always 10 more "must reads" on the market, leaving consumers like me feeling confused, inadequate and stuck for conversation at parties.
Which is why I believe Ireland should take an international lead on this issue and introduce self-regulation now. And we need look no further than existing agriculture experience for ways to do it.
Intervention: We could start by putting books into cold storage; paying producers an agreed price and vacuum-packing their works upon publication, keeping them in warehouses until Russia has a winter fuel shortage, or something.
Set-aside: Under this scheme, a writer would be paid not to produce a given book. Obviously this would be open to abuse; so to ensure only genuine writers were discouraged, applicants would have to outline a plausible plot, perhaps even a full chapter plan, before being paid not to develop the idea further.
Proven writers, who produce books every year, would be encouraged simply to have "fallow" periods, in which they guaranteed not to publish anything.
REPS: An equivalent of the Rural Environment Protection Scheme, this would reward writers for environmentally-friendly practices, such as writing thinner books. Authors with time on their hands could go a step further, and actually plant trees.
Early Slaughter Policy: Premiums would be payable to writers who could bring their projects "in" early, in the former of novellas, or preferably, 14-line sonnets.
Quotas: Literature quotas could be introduced, preferably on a county-by-county basis. This would hit Co Kerry hard, obviously, and generous compensation would be required.
On the other hand, the Border counties would have excess capacity. Rather than increase their literary output, they would more likely sell their quotas, probably to Co Kerry. But at least they'd have made a few bob out of the situation.
Guinness campaign news
THE balmy weather of St Patrick's Week has only heightened the irony of it all for those of us in the Campaign Against Cold Guinness. Things have come to a pretty pass when the stout being offered to tourists is several degrees cooler than the wind blowing up the Liffey during the Dublin parade, that's all we can say.
There has been a huge reaction to my recent column on the subject, and to the many stout drinkers obviously suffering out there, let me just say: I feel your pain.
Probably the most memorable letter I've had on the subject came from Leo Moran (whom I believe to be a Sawdoctor) in Tuam. Leo has a friendly barman who, when pulling pints, allows them to settle "in a teapot of hot water" to take the chill out of them. More poignantly, he adds, he's heard of a "German man in Clonbur" who asks for his pint to be put "in the microwave" for a few seconds.
I thought this was an isolated case until I got another letter, from Brigid - "a stout drinker for 50 years" - in Brittas, Co Wicklow. She was nursing a pint in both hands - the way you do - in the pub recently, when her barman too suggested the microwave. People are being driven to do desperate things, it's clear.
Meanwhile, a brewing company called B**mish and C***ford has written to me to say that it pursues a "traditional" stout policy and has no interest in going the cold pint route of other breweries. This may be true, but it may also be a sneaky attempt to extract free publicity from the column, which is why I'm not mentioning Bea***h and Craw***d by name, or the company slogan - "c*****tency in a w***d g*ne m*d".
The letter also offered me a sample of the company's product, incidentally. A man is now helping the Irish Times Ethics Committee with its inquiries.