Bill finds it difficult to make it to the first class in the morning. Mondays are a safe bet for an `elevenses' entry. Torn, the staffroom wag is not known for his subtlety.

"Did you bring in the Herald with you, Bill" is one of his remarks that makes other staffroom personnel put their heads deeper into their Irish Times.

Substituting for absent colleagues is put to the test at this time of the year. Early on in the term there is an outbreak of post-Christmas blues! You could pick out those members of staff whose car insurance, house insurance, VHI and Credit Card account have arrived all together that morning.

Then there is the 'flu. It's never just a cold - it has to be 'flu. Mary has been coughing since Tuesday. She went on the Lemsip on Wednesday instead of morning coffee.

Thursday she phones to say she has the 'flu and is "in bed with the doctor." The principal, who is not very interested in her private life, resigns himself to persuading one of the H Dip students to help out.

The week of the Cheltenham Festival can be a very dangerous time for a coughing epidemic. Bad enough when it affects the favourite for the Gold Cup, but when it strikes some of the well-known punters on the staff then the alarm bells ring!

Punters get very religious coming up to Cheltenham. Early on they will ask the religion teacher: "What day of the week does St Patrick's Day fall on this year?" With a well positioned St Patrick's Day and an impressive cough, a punter could organise a trip without causing too much suspicion.

Teaching timetables are very tight this year as new post-holders get time off to do their post-work. So, it's easy to understand the frustration of a teacher who teaches six classes in a row only to be caught for supervision on the seventh.

Since teachers are in constant contact with children they are very vulnerable to every bug that is going. But 'flu is not the only reason why a teacher may be absent - there are subject in-service days, conferences, funerals, field days and games.

The Department takes a very pragmatic approach to substitution. Circulars on the subjects acknowledge that out-of-school educational activities are: an extension and reinforcement of classroom activity and should accordingly enhance the learning process by providing educational experiences which the classroom cannot provide or adequately simulate.

However, laudable those sentiments may be, the sting is in the tail: "Appropriate arrangements must be made for the conduct of those teachers' classes in their absence at no additional cost to the Department." This is a source of immense consolation to Joe who finds that he is substituting Class IF at 3.20 p.m. on a Friday afternoon for Ms Mahockey who has accompanied the students to the conference.