While we have all come a long way since sex was "introduced" to Ireland by Gay Byrne on the Late Late Show, the idea of nurturing a healthy approach to sexuality in young children is still something that causes many a parent to shudder. We are all sexual beings from the moment of birth - something widely acknowledged in the psychological journals; that's why dealing with issues like nudity (ours or theirs), toilet training and the physical expression of love are such important learning exercises for the pre-school child. "Some parents - in a misguided way - tell children that their genitals are dirty and they shouldn't touch themselves there, without giving them any further explanations," says Carmel Wynne, occasional contributor to this page and author of a recent handbook, Relationships and Sexuality. During toilet training, she says, children need to be told they are wonderful and feel proud of themselves and their bodies. "As it is completely normal for children to be curious about their own bodies, they get confused if parents give them such signals. It is important to talk about these areas as being private, but not dirty. Children will very quickly learn that there are certain things like scratching their genitals that they don't do in public," Wynne adds. On a more general level, children internalise the mood of the family home and pick up on all sorts of cues from their parents. "Parents who have a good sexual relationship have an energy about them which makes children feel safe without anything at all being said," she says.
When it comes to the physical expression of affection and the level of nakedness acceptable in the family home, there is no set formula to follow. For some families, it is totally acceptable for adults and children to wander through the house unclothed; for others, such behaviour would be deemed indecent or immoral.
In Questions Children Ask and How to Answer Them, Dr Miriam Stoppard counsels consistency. "For instance, if you were in the habit of getting into the bath with your baby, it is not a very good idea just a year or two later to become coy about showing your body. Not only could you confuse your child, but also encourage furtiveness, secrecy and loss of trust in you," she writes. In a recent Women's Hour programme on BBC Radio 4, commentators concluded that a useful guideline is: take your cues from your children. Generally speaking, younger children have no difficulty with nudity - but as they get older, they become more modest about their own behaviour (locking the bathroom, putting "Keep Out" signs on their bedroom doors). Many also expect their parents to then behave more modestly as well. Stoppard says age-appropriate conversation is always the best approach. "Don't ever scold your child for being sexually curious about people of the opposite sex; satisfy that curiosity by answering questions frankly and honestly. "Pre-school children only ever need the simplest explanations about sex. While you may be trembling in anticipation of the next question, they will just change the subject, or say, `Thanks, Dad' and run off to play," she writes.
Although the huge publicity given to child-abuse cases in recent years has helped many people to deal with past traumas, one unfortunate consequence is a growing apprehension among some adults to show affection to children.
"We are beginning to read implications into the most innocent of situations," Wynne comments. "So many children are being deprived of normal, intimate responses from loving parents who are afraid of being judged by other people. We need to be courageous about this and to be clear that only a tiny minority of men abuse children. "And for those children who don't come from tactile families, they are now missing out on the occasional hug from outside home because teachers are afraid that the wrong message will be taken from an affectionate cuddle."
However, Wynne cautions that children do need to have a language through which they can talk about any situation they feel uncomfortable with. "Sadly, sexuality is still a taboo subject in so many families, and many children don't have this language to say that nobody has a right to invade their privacy."
