Is your child a spoilt brat?

What is your idea of a spoilt child? Is it a little one crying and stamping her feet because she cannot get her own chocolate bar at the cash point? Or the older child getting exactly what he asks for without making any effort to earn it?

The whole concept of spoiling a child is a very complex one. It is quite difficult to define, and I know many parents get confused about what exactly is spoiling and what is not.

So lets start by making a list of what is not spoiling a child.

It is not giving your child too much attention.

It is not picking up your baby too much when she cries.

It is not showing and telling them how much you love them regularly. Every child needs to be loved as much as possible and should be.

It is not simply letting your child have what she wants. Guess what? All children get what they want, sometimes at least.

It is not giving her lots of presents. We all love to give presents.

It is not simply giving in to her requirements if she pouts and sulks or makes some kind of a fuss. We all give in sometimes - don't we?

Finally it is not just letting her do as she wants. If we are honest, we all let our children make their own minds up at times.

Every parent wants to make his or her child happy, but can too much giving result in a spoilt child? How can we make sure we are loving but not spoiling our little beauties?

Spoiling really has less to do with how much you give your child and more to do with how and why the child gets anything - "anything" being attention, presents, food, even freedom. They can have a room full of toys and still not be spoilt because of why and how they get them - while a child with fewer toys may be spoilt because of the way she gets them, for example by blackmail. The real essence of the matter is: who has the authority and power in the relationship? The balance of power between parent and child is very tenuous. The spoilt child can manipulate the parents into complying with her every demand, while normally the parent has the authority to set the rules of behaviour within the family.

The sad thing is that a parent often spoils a child with the best of intentions and is only trying to please - when in fact the child needs rules and regulations within which to feel secure. Because of this, the spoilt child often gets frustrated and angry with herself and her parents; she wants to know boundaries so she knows how far to go.

It is very difficult for a parent to get the balance right. All children, no matter how loving and giving, will test their influence over those around them. It may happen at two or at nine years of age; it may wait until puberty - but it will come. That is part of growing up into an adult individual. She needs to challenge and question - it's healthy.

So, periodically, we parents must revise our relationship with each of our children. Does she have more influence over you than you have over her? Can she bully you into giving in to everything she feels she needs?

Spoilt children tend to be selfish, greedy and grasping, not noticing the needs of others. No parent wants a child to be like this. Yet sometimes the spoiling of a child has caught you out before you realised the threat.

Then a well- intentioned family member may point out that her behaviour is unacceptable or that she gets away with far too much for her own good. Or someone may just tell you she is a "spoilt brat". If this happens, before you start making all sorts of excuses for your little beloved, try to stand back and look clearly at your child's behaviour - even though you may feel angry or hurt - and use the experience to review your relationship with your child. It may be fine, or you may see that the balance of power has shifted; you may need to take stock and try to give a more balanced structure to your child's life and behaviour.

Sometimes we parents are even aware that we are spoiling our child - but there is a plausible reason for it. For example, parents are in danger of spoiling at certain predictable times.

If a couple is separated or divorced and the father only sees the children once a week, he may try too hard to make them happy.

When a child is not well or has been sick is another time that parents feel it is so hard to watch her suffer that they tend to spoil her to try to "make up" for the illness.

An only child can be indulged because the parents feel they only have one!

Another type of parent may feel that "I had to do without" so their children will never want for anything.

Finally, some parents just have difficulties saying "no" to anything where their children are concerned.

Although I understand the conduct of these parents, the fact remains: if they spoil their children it is not good for them. It makes a child feel insecure, unpopular and selfish. So here are a few practical tips if you feel you want to avoid spoiling your children.

Don't give your child everything she wants each times she asks. You must prepare her for the real world where it just will not happen.

Encourage her to think of a compromise - like saving pocket money for that doll, or doing extra housework for money, like washing the car.

Insist that when she asks for anything, she asks nicely. If the foot is stomped, ignore the request.

Teach her to see the world from the other point of view. How would she like it if someone snatched her toy?

Have a clear set of rules for her to follow. Mean what you say and stick to it.

Finally never confuse loving with spoiling. Every parent is capable of tenderly loving their children without spoiling them. In fact sometimes spoiling is the easier way out, because the parents then "get away" without having to make rules and enforce them - but then who takes responsibility for their behaviour? No one said it was easy being a parent, but you are in charge of your child's upbringing, no one else. Being in control, yet allowing for the flexibility that grows from them being capable and responsible, is like teaching them to ride a bike - keeping them balanced and upright and knowing just the right moment to let go, then hovering behind them until you feel secure enough in their abilities to relax and watch, only stepping in if necessary.