Parenting: the step-family Step-families are one of Ireland's fastest-growing domestic groupings. For most, it's a voyage into the unknown.
We all learn a thing or two about family dynamics from our own parents and siblings. Traditional family units have certain things in common. For example, children usually arrive one by one and their place in the family develops gradually. Traditional families usually share one house and one set of house rules. Both parents have a similar experience of parenting.
With the rate of marriage breakdown rising in Ireland, many more new family combinations have been forged. When parents of teens marry parents of toddlers, when a family man meets a single woman, whea party girl suddenly has a sister who's not allowed outside the door, sparks generally fly.
The step-family life-cycle is quite different and few are prepared for what's in store. Claire Missen, of the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service, helps step-families to prepare for the distinct stages of building a successful step-family. These stages, she maintains, are clearly defined.
"When a couple comes together and one or both have children from another relationship, they have a fantasy about how the new arrangement will work," she says. "Everyone is on their best behaviour and there are high expectations for the future. It's not long before reality sets in. When the first clashes are experienced between members of the family, there is a sudden awareness that this will not be as easy as everyone hoped."
At this point, Missen explains, members of the new family fear for the future, and wonder if they have made a mistake. How they handle this situation will determine the success or failure of the arrangement.
Step three is described as "mobilisation". Following the realisation that all is not well, parents will usually attempt to remedy the problem, to negotiate with the family members who are not getting along. If the mobilisation phase is a success, then resolution follows.
Unfortunately, not many step-families reach the resolution phase. The rate of step-family breakdown is very high. However, Missen offers hope to parents who are prepared to work at holding the family together.
To begin with, she says, parents need to dispense with a few misconceptions.
"Step-siblings are not brothers and sisters. They have not had the same experience of discipline and boundaries and so cannot be expected to fall into step with one another," she says.
Where two children are having serious difficulty getting along, it's tempting for parents in the fantasy stage to ignore the situation and hope that it will eventually evaporate. By the time it becomes clear that it won't, families are dealing with a problem that is well-established.
According to Missen, step-families need to anticipate problems and talk about them before they emerge, not after they have driven a wedge between family members.
"Family meetings are an American concept - we're not accustomed to them here," she says. "In the step-family context they are essential. Parents get an opportunity to discuss potential difficulties and everyone in the group has their say. If regular meetings are established early everyone gets over the awkwardness quickly."
The Marriage and Relationship Counselling Service (MRSC) runs a three-week course for step-families that takes participants through the four stages of step-family development and offers advice on communication, managing disputes and conflict resolution. The course is made up of three two-and-a-half-
hour sessions and costs €90. The MRSC is based in Dublin but the course can be delivered countrywide. Call 01-6443901 for details.
Parent trends - what's new in the world of parenting
Bad chemistry: Researchers at Mississippi State University have found that early exposure to environmental chemicals that mimic or block the action of sex hormones may disrupt normal differences in the brain between males and females that affect thinking, learning and sexual behaviour.
These findings add more scientific support to the growing concern that exposure to environmental chemicals is harmful, particularly to children. Herbicides, insecticides and chemicals in plastic, which leach into foods, were among the chemicals investigated in the study.
Cocoa boon: A nice cup of cocoa may be back on the menu, especially for children. According to researchers at Cornell University, cocoa contains more antioxidants per cup than red wine or tea. Antioxidants are thought to protect against cancer, heart disease and aging. However, the best way to get plenty of antioxidants is to eat a variety of fruits and vegetables, experts say.
Weight of evidence: Premature infants who were fed breast-milk made developmental gains equal to and sometimes greater than those who were fed formula designed specially for infants with a low birth weight, an international study has found.
"Definitely, appropriately fortified breast-milk is the feeding of choice for these premature, low-birth-weight babies," says Prof Deborah O'Connor, who teaches nutritional sciences at the University of Toronto.
