Radio Review: Science has solved or alleviated many of the great problems facing mankind. And yet, as a number of recent letters to this newspaper have complained, an easily opened, spill-proof milk carton is still beyond our reach.
How much longer we have to wait is anyone's guess, but in the meantime here is a chronology of major milestones in the search for a solution.
Twenty million years BC: One of the world's earliest known milk containers, later identified as the "cow", makes its first appearance. It has many excellent features, including up to four separate outlets for dispensing milk. But in a basic design flaw, these are all located in the same area of the cow, underneath its body and close to the ground. This is ideal for calves, but the potential for spillage is obvious.
10,000BC: Using crude stools and buckets, early farmers adapt to the cow's design and invent milking. Unfortunately, evolution's idea of locating the udder between the set of legs that the animal uses for kicking causes untold problems, for buckets and farmers alike. The obvious solution of placing the udder between the cow's much less active front legs seems to have escaped evolution's notice.
27BC: In a quantum leap for liquid storage, the Romans develop glass-blowing, allowing the production of bottles for the first time. Despite the empire's genius for plumbing, however, there is little headway on the issue of a properly sealed yet simple-to-open bottle-top, before the Huns overrun Europe in the 5th century AD and the Dark Ages descend. The millennium ahead will be a bad one for research and development.
1500AD: Leonardo da Vinci draws a series of sketches for a paper-based milk carton with a "foolproof" opening device. Tragically, he then becomes distracted by painting, frittering away his talents on pictures such as Mona Lisa. After his death, the notebooks containing the sketches are confiscated by the Vatican.
1659: The phrase "no use crying over spilt milk" is recorded for the first time, in James Howell's Book of Proverbs. Scholars are divided as to whether the reference is to "spilled" or "spoiled" milk, since the storage of dairy products is still problematic at this time. But, either way, the obvious popularity of the saying points to a widespread complacency on the issue, typical of the mid-17th century.
1871: In the absence of anything better, many consumers - even in urban areas - continue to use the basic cow for storing and dispensing milk. All this changes, however, after the Great Chicago Fire, which destroys most of that US city in October 1871. Although arson is probably to blame, a legend grows up that the blaze began when a cow belonging to one Mrs Catherine O'Leary kicked over a lantern. It's not known who started this rumour, but the late 19th century sees both a rapid decline in urban cow populations and a corresponding rise in bottled milk sales. Draw your own conclusions.
1915: After breaking yet another bottle of milk, Ohio toy factory owner John Van Warmer invents a paper-based carton, for which he wins a patent. The design employs the triangular, "gable-top" opening system, so called because it will drive people up the walls for decades to come. Nevertheless, the carton makes dramatic inroads into the bottled-milk market.
1944: Carton competition increases when Swedish engineers devise the revolutionary Tetra Pak. Not only does this dramatically extend the storage life of milk, it also solves the spillage problem by being completely impossible to open.
Late 1950s: As the Cold War deepens, a race is on between east and west to create the first fully functional milk container. Rumours abound that Moscow is on the verge of a workable model. Meanwhile, sensing victory, the Soviet Union floods the west with small, strained metal teapots, designed to pour tea everywhere except into your cup. Morale in Europe sinks.
1969: Man walks on the moon. Still no breakthrough on milk cartons.
1970s: The popularity of glass milk bottles among 1960s radicals, for storing and dispensing flammable liquids during street protests, has slowed the search for a cardboard alternative. But as the 1970s dawn, there is new impetus. Unfortunately, the decade's main innovation is to be a pyramid-shaped milk carton that allows you to spill the contents at several different angles. The design is later traced to East German agents working to discredit capitalism.
2000: The approach of the Millennium inspires a whole plethora of exciting new ideas in carton systems, perhaps the best of which is the "ring-pull" opener. This employs a technique similar to the one used for opening hand grenades. Unfortunately, many consumers forget to let go of the carton before it explodes.