The weeks in the run up to this year’s Beyond the Pale festival were a fraught time for me and my pals. Last year’s event was a bit of a washout, saved only by the abundance of rain ponchos packed by sensible dads determined to enjoy a weekend of youthful nostalgia away from the kids no matter the weather. This time round we were checking the long-range forecasts religiously, comparing the competing weather apps, sending updates into the group chat, panicking about what footwear to bring.
My friend Sarah, allergic to the cold and also keen for her child-free weekend at Beyond the Pale to go perfectly, quietly upped the ante by paying an Etsy witch to cast a spell for a sunny and warm weekend. I was amused, especially as Sarah is not someone I would consider particularly “woowoo”, or mystically inclined. She’d also paid 25 quid, which seemed to me a little steep for such an intangible purchase. But look, I was willing to cling onto any helping hand to make the festival go as smoothly as possible, especially for a gang of 40-somethings whose joints, stomach linings and nerves aren’t what they used to be.
Etsy, a site once known as a marketplace for craft and handmade products, has diversified somewhat in recent years and among the swathes of mass-produced Temu resales, the bona fide crafters and independent creators and the vintage dealers, is a booming industry of witches ready to cast spells for whatever the customer desires. Sarah said she’d read dozens of reviews before choosing her witch, and had a good feeling about this one.
Lo and behold, as the festival approached, a magical sight appeared on the weather apps. Amid the relentless rain forecasts, the outlook for Glendalough for the weekend started to improve. As in, from the exact moment of our planned arrival on the Friday to the event’s closure on Monday morning, it began to look like it was going to be warm, dry and sunny. Exactly what Sarah had asked for in her spell.
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If you happened to see any photos or footage from Beyond the Pale earlier this month, you’ll know that the witch came through for us. The sun was splitting the stones; in fact it was nearly too warm at times and there were some big scalded heads seen bopping away to Sister Sledge and Soulwax. The only flaw in the spell was that it hadn’t specified that we didn’t want too much wind, and strong gusts on the Friday created problems for the tent erection. At least we know for next time to be extra-specific.
Could it be that the Etsy witch is the new Child of Prague? Traditionally in Ireland we like to place a statue of the babby Jesus outside under a bush to summon fine weather for a wedding or similar important event. As Ireland slowly pivots away from Catholicism as the dominant belief system, maybe other forms of spirituality will flow in to take its place. I’ve certainly never seen a prayer work as efficiently as Sarah’s weather spell. My belief in the Etsy witch was solidified when, right on cue, the rain returned with a vengeance on Monday afternoon.
I’ve never been much of a believer in the supernatural or in magic. I once visited a psychic about 20 years ago – a man in Dublin city centre with an incredible reputation and high prices to match – and was distinctly unimpressed when I asked him about my father and he reeled off a quick spiel about how our relationship would only improve as I got older, and how he saw a lovely holiday in our future. He had hoofed me back out onto the street with my hundred quid in his pocket before I had a chance to reveal that my dad was on his literal death bed with weeks left to live.
The success of the Etsy witch has pulled me back towards the realms of the believers, and I’ve started to ponder on what I could ask her to do for me. Would a spell for a Lotto win be too greedy? What about some mortgage divination? I’m off to a wedding in the UK in August and I’d like the weather to be pleasant, but not too hot. No heat dome for me please, Etsy witch.
Sarah has a family holiday planned over the summer to a location that will be right in the middle of its rainy season. If the witch can work her magic again, then it’ll be the best €25 she’s ever spent.
