‘Ross, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Your mother is on Tinder’

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: The old dear is catfishing dudes on Tinder by pretending to be only 58

The old dear goes, 'Ben is in futures, Ross. Explain to him what it is you do, Ben.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

The old dear goes, 'Ben is in futures, Ross. Explain to him what it is you do, Ben.' Illustration: Alan Clarke

I walk into the kitchen to find the old man sitting at the island, reading The Irish Times in his famous brown dressing gown with the split up the front. It’s a sight that leaves nothing to the imagination, especially when he uncrosses his legs Sharon Stone-style – it’s like three baby potatoes resting on the good, brushed velvet.

Jesus Christ, ” I go, “will you put some underpants on?”

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