Róisín Ingle on . . . 50 reasons I can’t watch ‘Fifty Shades’

Number three: Ever since The Fall I’ve been terrified of Jamie Dornan...

1 It's not that I'm prudish but . . .

2 Okay, maybe I'm a little bit prudish.

3 Ever since The Fall I've been terrified of Jamie Dornan.

4 The best bit about him in The Fall was his Nordy accent.


5 He doesn't have a Nordy accent in this film. 6 He has a "wobbly" American accent. Not good.

7 I raise my children not to say they hate things. So instead of "I hate pesto", I encourage them to say "pesto is not to my taste". The novel Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James was not to my taste.

8 The film reviews say the film is less terrible than the book. That's still pretty awful though.

9 B & Q does nothing for me.

10 Ditto, Woodies.

11 I'm more of a Mattress Mick kind of girl.

12 I'd find a movie about Michael Lowry installing fridges in Tipperary more erotic.

13 I'd definitely get more out of flicking through some old pictures of Elvis Presley with his top off.

14 Or that new social media account called Hot Dudes Reading. It's just photographs of attractive men In Real Life reading actual books on trains. Phwoar.

15 Apparently, women are going in big groups to the movie and giggling loudly together.

16 Women with degrees.

17 Women I know.

18 The last time I went to the cinema and women with degrees were giggling in big groups was Sex And The City 2. Bad memories.

19 I'm probably a prude.

20 I've just read Eimear McBride's A Girl Is A Half Formed Thing.

21 I've read too many court reports.

22 I'm washing my hair.

23 I have a headache.

24 I'm claustrophobic.

25 "I don't do romance" is an actual line from the film.

26 A great soundtrack is not enough.

27 I have a good book to finish called The Girl on the Train.

28 I hate the word kinky. Or at least it's not to my taste.

29 There is a pile of ironing over there that looks more enticing.

30 There is a pile of dog poo on the pavement outside my house that looks more exciting.

31 This is a movie about a woman who goes on a diet/to the gym because a man asks her to.

32 I'm too old.

33 I'm too tired.

34 My friend said: "Come on, we'll go for a laugh". But her smile didn't reach her eyes.

35 The Americans are calling it a 'Date Night' film. That's not my kind of date.

36 The last time I went to the cinema it was to see Paddington.

37 "Sam Taylor-Johnson's drably competent adaptation of EL James's appalling mucky novel offers Nitrazepam for the libido throughout". Film critic Donald Clarke said that.

I trust him.

38 Nitrazepam is a hypnotic drug of the benzodiazepine class, indicated for the short-term relief of severe, disabling anxiety and insomnia.

39 "If you agree to be my submissive I will be devoted to you," is an actual line in the film.

40 "Organised group activities aren't really my thing," is a line from the film that I relate to.

41 Mills & Boon is funnier.

42 "Christian is not my type of guy." I'm with Jamie Dornan on this one.

43 "This is a deathly, deathly, deathly dull movie," said film critic Tara Brady. I trust her too.

44 I don't like masks. Not even those ones you get free on long haul flights to help you sleep.

45 This is a movie about a very, very rich man who gets his kicks from hurting women.

46 I've no sense of humour.

47 I need to lighten up.

48 There are too many excellent films out there.

49 Life's too short.

50 Those court reports.