Plink plink fizz: it's the sound of our national diet

SMALL PRINT:FOR DECADES it has been one of the most recognisable teachings of western nutrition, but over the past few years the food pyramid has been rethought, tweaked and relaunched. Last week, the Obama administration discarded it altogether with the very web 2.0-sounding MyPlate.

Gone are the stacks of grain, fruit and fish with an ice cream on top, replaced by a divided plate containing green beans, a slice of brown bread, some weird chicken-looking square thing, bits of oranges, and a glass of milk.

The food pyramid was criticised for being confusing, but MyPlate seems only to encourage people to ingest the worst meal of all time.

So perhaps it’s time for a more revolutionary overhaul. I am going to save governments millions in consultation fees by presenting you with the Foodix Cube, a new way of visualising one’s consumption.

The six-sided, 54-square cube is the only way to properly illustrate and instruct how the modern Irish really eat. The cube will also change from region to region to reflect local tastes and produce. For example, the Galway cube will have nine squares for items on the Supermac’s menu. In Cork, 20 squares will cover food that is better than the food in Dublin.

But one side of nine squares on the Foodix Cube will remain consistent nationally. At the bottom are three squares of our essential everyday food: porridge, crisp sandwiches and that thing in foil at the back of the fridge. The second level of three squares includes a sausage roll, miscellaneous pasta dishes and €5 takeaway lattes. The third section contains the daily essentials of 40g of rocket accompanying every meal, two Solpadeine and cinema popcorn.

Any food authorities looking for more about on this revolutionary and soon-to-be-adopted- worldwide product should e-mail thefoodixcube@indigestion.com.