How do you know if your partner is trying to control you?

The phenomena of men exercising extreme control over their partners, even to the extent of killing them, arises all the time in news reports here and abroad. Women also exercise this form of control, but it appears largely to be a male problem. What puzzles me is the unanswered question: just what is going on here?

From a psychological perspective, we could look at attachment theory, which is about a child’s connection to a figure who represents security and caring, a person who can be thought of as a “safe haven”.

Attachment figures are normally parents but additionally they can be other care givers. But when the attachment process is disrupted, when the child permanently loses his or her assurance that the attachment figure, the safe haven, is there for him or her, then the consequence can be a life-long insecurity.

That can show itself in starkly different ways. One is for the person to become very clingy to the extent he or she drives other people away. Another is to attempt to control partners in adult life, so that they can never abandon them. Behind that, of course, is a huge fear of abandonment.

The fear of abandonment brings other responses as well, which suggests it is not the whole story when it comes to toxic behaviour by a controlling partner.

For instance, London children separated from their parents when sent away to escape the Blitz in the second World War exhibited a couple of different behaviours when reunited with their parents. Some ran to their parents and hugged them. Others ran up and hit them, like a mother who slaps a child in mixed anger and relief when the child is found after going missing. If the response to fear of abandonment can vary so, then it does fully explain controlling behaviour in all cases.

Genetic causes

I have begun to suspect that the cause is genetic in at least some cases. We all seek to control our environments in ways big and small – even tidying your desk is an attempt to control the environment. So it makes sense that a genetic malfunction – perhaps related to how we process threat – could trigger controlling behaviour of the kind that destroys relationships and, sometimes, lives.

Given the irrationality of this kind of behaviour, I believe that anyone who is a target of it, usually from a partner, needs to get out of the relationship or, at the very least, put a safe distance between themselves and the controlling partner.

At a recent workshop on compassion and other aspects of mindfulness, the facilitator broke into a general air of positivity by declaring: “When you are in danger, that is not a time for compassion. It is a time for safeguarding yourself.”

Wise words, I think. With some people, love can be dangerous; so can sympathy or compassion. And people who need to get way from extreme controllers should make the move in a way that does not make them easy targets for reprisals. For women, that means taking advice from bodies such as Women's Aid (womensaid.ie). For men, it means talking to Amen (amen.ie).

Warning signs

Prevention is better than cure, and Women's Aid also has a website called 2in2U (2in2U.ie). This has a comprehensive list of warning signs, including:

“If he complains about your friends or says you spend too much time with them.” (To me this is a classic: separating partners from their friends tends to be a priority with controllers.)

“He sends you constant texts checking up on you when you are not with him.” (Another classic.)

“He demands your passwords and checks your emails and social networking accounts to see who you’ve been talking too.” (Obviously this should set alarm bells ringing loudly).

We don’t fully understand what is behind the behaviour of those who engage in extreme control. But the first step towards averting tragedy is to be aware of those warning signs.

Pádraig O'Morain (pomorain@yahoo.com) is accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness for Worriers. His daily mindfulness reminder is free by email. Twitter: @PadraigOMorain