Toxic relations: ‘It got to the point that I was dreading every visit’

If you have a toxic co-worker, you can steer clear. Toxic friend? Time for a breakup. But what if the toxic person in question is perched firmly in your family tree?

Family is often represented as the core institution in our lives. Although family relationships can be tough at times and many go through ups and downs, healthy families should remain a support system through the good, bad and ugly.

But this isn’t the case for all families.

Some people experience mental, emotional or physical abuse from family. Others struggle with navigating relationships among very difficult family members.

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‘We got the words, I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat. I just started screaming hysterically’

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Toxic family members come in many forms, but one thing that’s common to all of them is that you don’t feel happy around them. You feel emotionally drained in their company.

Family relationships sometimes reach a point where we may need to separate ourselves from a certain family member. This is no easy decision and takes serious consideration about your health and the family member involved.

There are lots of red flags in some relationships that can fast-track the need to remove yourself from the situation.

Sherrie Campbell, clinical psychologist and author of But It's Your Family . . . Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members, says any relationship with mental, physical, sexual, verbal or emotional abuse should be reconsidered if it's causing you mental harm.

“Often this decision is more forced upon us than it is voluntary, and it’s confusing because we’re conditioned to believe that terminating relationships with family is morally wrong.”

She suggests asking yourself a set of key questions before you break off contact including:
– Does this person ever admit they are wrong?
– Does this person ever genuinely apologise and change his or her behaviour?
– Does this person show remorse for what he or she has done?
– Has this person ever validated your perception as right?
– Does this person respect the limits or boundaries that you've set?
– Is this person willing to do anything and everything to make a relationship with you work?

Campbell advocates ensuring a loving support system is in place to reassure yourself that you will not be alone once you make this change.

Ciara no longer has any contact with her brother after years of rows and difficult behaviour. “It just got the point that I was dreading every visit, every interaction and it was affecting me mentally.

“He was the golden child in our family always and that is fine, but basically everything revolved around him. Agreed meet-ups would be changed, plans altered and every meeting was always about him. He has to be the centre of attention. Our relationship just kept getting more difficult because every meeting ended in a row. He borrowed money, took my car without permission, actually stole items from my house.

“Whenever I questioned him or his behaviour, it was always turned around to me – it was always something I had done, I didn’t need the item, ‘sure, he only took the car for a short while’. I began to feel I was going mad.”

After speaking to a counsellor about the relationship, Ciara removed herself from all meetings with him for a time. “Now I have the barest contact and really will still avoid it if I can. He still tries to row with me in those times, but I just leave now to avoid the hassle. It has been very emotional, but he sees absolutely nothing wrong with how he behaves and the rest of my family just shrug and say nothing. It’s best for me.”

Cutting all ties

If cutting all ties with family is a step too far for you, then learning to deal with behaviours that drain and upset you will make a positive impact.

Clanwilliam Institute family therapist Ines Collins says she shies away from labelling any family "toxic" or "dysfunctional" and says every family is different.

Some families can suffer extreme behaviour from a family member with mental health problems that have not been treated and all the family struggle to cope while others grow up with critical and unkind, controlling parents, and suffer emotionally unless they get some professional help. “There’s an expectation in a family that everyone will get on growing up and that will continue throughout our lives. Sadly that is often not the case.”

Family relationships can rupture around sibling rivalry if one child is the favourite and gets all the goodies, attention and higher state in parental regard. That special treatment drives a wedge between different family members and often ends up in court with huge family rows and disagreements.

Collins says family therapists try to create a safe, neutral space and sit with people in the room. “Generally, when you get a family to agree to get into a room together, people have their own inner conversation, which is from their perspective and they are not able to listen. This is where conversations explode into rows all the time, so we try to bring listening back to the relationship.”

If you can let go of resentment and years of pent-up frustration, family therapy can be a start. Having a third party sit and mediate can ease the emotions, according to Collins.

“You have to be careful with language and the words used. Words cannot be taken back and the aim is to create a space where some kind of acknowledgement and agreement can be made.”

Stay away from ‘you did this’ and ‘she did that’ statements and only use ‘I’ statements to get talking, Collins suggests.

If you’ve got someone in your family who riles you, try these tactics to safeguard your mental health.

Give yourself permission to take care of your own needs first

It’s difficult to regulate your emotions when you’re tired, so make sure you get enough rest before meeting them. It’s totally okay to take a moment to leave the room – remember to breathe deeply if you find yourself in a particularly difficult situation.

Accept the difficult person fully

Strangely effective mentally, but if we just accept a person is challenging, we let go of the resistance that creates stress and tension. You might fantasise a close relationship with an in-law, and so you feel angry and disappointed every time he or she doesn’t live up to this ideal. Try showing compassion to the person instead.

You don’t have to take the bait

Difficult family members know you and know how to push your buttons to provoke and incite you. Instead of engaging, see jabs and barbs as a cry for attention and connection.