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‘My alcoholic mother-in-law moved in with us and has caused enormous stress’

John Sharry: It is abusive for her to drink chaotically and to be drunk in front of your children

Question: My mother-in-law has lived with us for the last three years – moving in suddenly after her husband's funeral. She is an alcoholic and the last three years have caused enormous stress on my husband and me, and our two boys, now aged 11 and 12 years.

My boys hate having her here as she is constantly drunk. One of my boys has become withdrawn, argumentative, seems lost in his own world, and wants to be on his Xbox all the time talking to his friends. He says he just always wants to escape from life and would do anything to go back to the way things were before my mother-in-law came. My heart is absolutely broken for him. He won't talk to his dad about it and refuses to go to see someone. I'm losing my really happy jolly boy and it is heart-breaking.

Sadly this is a situation that there is no way out of as she won’t accept she is an alcoholic and has nowhere else to go. Please help.

Answer: Living with a family member who is an alcoholic is very stressful for everyone and your question highlights just how it can negatively affect children. I wonder have you spoken to your husband and does he agree with your perception as to how damaging it is for your children and yourselves?

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I imagine it also must be very difficult for him to see his mother like this and he may be torn with guilt about caring for her and about the impact on his children. In moving forward, there is a clear reality that strikes me about your situation. It is abusive for your mother-in-law to drink chaotically and to be drunk in front of your children. As a result, it is perfectly reasonable for you to insist that she agrees to take responsibility to stop her drinking or she can no longer live your house with your children. The fact that it may be hard to find her to find alternative accommodation is a secondary issue. You must act to protect your children.

I would suggest that you talk things through with your husband and make a decision together that things have to change, and then make a plan to talk this through with your mother in law. In advance you may wish to identify treatment options for her such as alcohol counselling or AA services or even a residential programme (contact Drug and Alcohol Information Ireland, Helpline 1800 459 459, or drugs.ie in the first instance). You may also want to begin to plan for alternative living arrangements for her in the long term. Ageaction.ie has information and a helpline that may be able to point you in the right direction.

When you do talk to your mother-in-law, pick a time when she is sober and your children are not there. Sit down together with your husband and explain to her your concerns in a matter of fact way. Then insist that she must work to stop drinking and seek treatment if she is to stay in the home. You don’t have to be angry or confrontative as you talk – indeed it is best if you are compassionate and understanding.

But do insist that she must take action, if she continues to deny the problem then she needs to look at alternative accommodation. This is a very difficult conversation, so make sure you and your husband get plenty of support in advance.

The alcohol helpline above can put you in touch with counselling and there are good self-help groups for family members of alcoholics such as al-anon-ireland.org.

– John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie