ASK THE EXPERT:Your parenting questions answered
Q&A
Q
Our daughter is nine years old. She has always been shy but still has a core group of friends she plays with regularly. Lately she seems to have developed an anxiety that we can’t put our finger on. She’s doing very well in school and seems to look forward to going. She has after-school activities such as ballet and swimming which she enjoys. We have brought her to the doctor and she doesn’t seem to have any medical problem, but recently she has been crying and complaining of abdominal pains.
If there is anything bothering her she seems unable to tell us what it is. We regularly give her reassurance and let her know she can talk to us if anything is wrong. Her grandmother died 10 months ago and, although she was very close to her, we are unsure whether this is bothering her now, as she has not been particularly upset in recent months. Apart from that there have been no other major changes in her life.
Her teacher assures us she is doing fine, although she is still shy in class and never initiates conversations. We have no idea what can be causing the anxiety and would be grateful if you have any thoughts on the issue.
A
I don’t have any great insights into why your daughter may be experiencing the anxiety that you describe. However, I do have some ideas that may help you to explore the area with her even though she has seemed “unable” to tell you so far.
Children feel unable to discuss their feelings – or what is causing them to feel the way they do – with their parents for several reasons. Sometimes they simply don’t know the words or don’t understand the feeling and can’t articulate the difficulties that they are having. Sometimes they are afraid that they will disappoint their parents if they tell them (for example, they fear their parents will think they are stupid or incapable of explaining). Sometimes they are too ashamed or embarrassed by their feelings or the source of their feelings. Sometimes they fear that they will make a bad situation worse if they tell their parents (for example, if they have been threatened not to tell by a bully). Finally, sometimes younger children assume that their parents already magically know the reasons and so there is no need to explain it.
So bear this in mind when talking to your daughter. Start by suggesting to her that tummy pains often come from being worried about things and that we can get the pains even when we don’t know what we are worried about. This gives her permission to “not know” why she feels as she does.
Then talk to her about some reasons that you know about why other children have been worried. Within this you can list a whole range of anxiety-provoking things like fear of failure (not doing well in school), feeling overwhelmed by homework, missing someone who is dead, being bullied or picked upon, feeling that school work is too hard, not knowing how to be comfortable in a big group of children, and so on.
Providing multiple choice options like this can allow children to choose the best fit for them. If she does identify that any of the suggested reasons make sense to her then you just continue to explore the issue in an empathic way. Don’t judge her feelings (for example, avoid statements like “that’s a silly reason to be afraid”), just acknowledge that they are there. Try not to rush into solving a problem that she might identify. Often children just want their problem to be understood by someone else initially, and then later work out a solution themselves or look for the help to do so.
After listing a range of anxiety-provoking situations it is possible that she will identify that none of the suggested reasons seems to fit. However, if none fit and you then ask, “Mmmm, I wonder what else it might be then?” in a genuinely open and inquisitive way, many children will have a go at naming the anxieties they have because they are encouraged by the level of understanding their parents have already shown, or because they can get one up on us because we didn’t guess the right reason.
If, even then, she still has not been able to identify the reason, you can take the pressure off her by saying, “Okay, well if you feel worried and we don’t know why then it must be because it is a tricky worry and we’ll just have to wait until we understand it better. But I have confidence that together we can sort it out; it might just take time.” You can even suggest some of the reasons why worries are hard to talk about and to understand, from the list I gave earlier.
In this way you leave the door wide open to continue to explore the source of the anxiety, but you also give her a very clear message that you are simply on her side, supportive of her and willing to go at her pace.
As you then wait over the next days or even weeks you may find that the seeds of exploration you have sown can unconsciously prompt your daughter to be more alert to her real feelings and the source of them or that other, third-party information comes to light which may illuminate a cause.
Whatever happens, be mindful of the fact that, as parents, we can’t solve all of our children’s problems. Struggling through worries, fears, difficulties and upsets is a normal and important part of every child’s development. Overcoming those situations, alone or with support, can give a child a great sense of confidence and self-belief.
While I can absolutely understand your desire to help and to eradicate the anxiety, it is good enough to simply be available. As long as you stand beside her and give her the clear message as you do that you are always willing to help then it may be as much as you can do and as much as you need to do.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.
Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com