My partner wants to open up our relationship

Dear Roe,

I’ve been with my partner for almost three years now (female, female relationship). We rarely have sex anymore, with my partner not feeling sexually attracted to having sex in our relationship anymore. She doesn’t want our relationship to end, so is suggesting sleeping with people outside of our couple to try spark her sexual interest again. I don’t think I’m emotionally ready for that. Do you have any advice?

Listen to your own feelings.

You say that you “don’t think you’re emotionally ready” – which is completely valid and understandable. You are in a monogamous relationship that has shifted because of your partner’s lack of interest in sex, but now you are considering changing your relationship from monogamous to open. These are some very large transformations that you’re grappling with, and you are allowed to move slowly through them so that you and your partner make choices that are right for you.

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But, importantly, “not emotionally ready” is not an outright “no”. So right now, all of your options are open, and what you need to do is not act on any of them, but gather more information.

Many people have open relationships and are happy and satisfied (up to five per cent of Americans, according to a 2016 study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy), so it is absolutely a healthy and valid relationship possibility – but it also may not be for you.

You need to have more conversations with your partner. Start with where you are first: in a monogamous, largely sexless relationship. If you want to remain in a monogamous relationship, is your partner willing to talk about your sex life and explore ways to make you both feel more connected and satisfied? Are there certain aspects of your sex life that she is willing to participate in? Are you willing to stay in a relationship without sex, or is this a deal-breaker (which is also completely valid)?

You may decide that you want to stay monogamous and work on your relationship – or that you want to end the relationship and be free to have a monogamous, sexually fulfilling relationship with someone else.

But if you do think you could be comfortable with an open relationship, begin some ongoing conversations about what that could look like. Open relationships have infinite possibilities in terms of structure, so it’s important to talk about each other’s ideal situation, and the parameters. Your partner wants to sleep with other people – do you? Would you both be comfortable with each other going on dates and being romantic with other people, or does “sleeping with other people” mean purely casual, sexual interactions? How will you communicate with each other around your interactions with other people? What would fidelity and cheating look like in your relationship?

Two books that have been very impactful in discourse around non-monogamy are The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux. It might be helpful and thought-provoking to read these books together and talk about how you feel about the potential options and obstacles. It would also help to reach out to some people in your lives or even online who are in open relationships and have a chat.

This is your life and your relationship. Listen to your feelings, don’t do anything you are not comfortable with, and if you are open to a new type of relationship adventure, still move slowly and carefully and protect your heart. Good luck.