My partner refuses to dress up sexily for me, and it’s ruining our relationship

Dear Roe,

My partner objects to my rubber fetish. I met my partner 14 years ago and from the outset we had a very honest and open relationship. I opened up about my sexual proclivities from the beginning. I like to dress up to feel sexy. I explained this to my partner and reassured her that I had no interest in BDSM. After I bought her a basque while on holiday she informed me she would not be wearing it and I didn’t pursue the matter any further.

This might have been the end of it, but now when we make love my partner feels that I would rather be dressing up or that I am fantasising about it. I have reassured her that is not the case and while I have suggested she might try some lingerie as a means to spice up the love-making, this has been rebuffed as an example of how I do not fancy her anymore in the natural state.

To be frank, time is not on either of our sides but I am not a fan of making love in the dark and in the one position nor do I want love-making to be a case of in/out/orgasm. My partner asserts that intimacy is all that matters and I should be happy with this arrangement. This rift is slowly but surely becoming a chasm. I am beginning to wonder if indeed I ask too much in wishing for titillation as a prelude to sex.

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It’s interesting that you begin and summarise your letter with “My partner objects to my rubber fetish”, when that seems to be merely one of a few different issues that you and your partner are facing. I wonder if your simplification of a layered issue into one somewhat inaccurate description may be emblematic of why you and your partner seem to be having difficulty communicating around this – when you talk to your partner, are you focusing on the wood or the trees?

The first, most basic iteration of this potential communication breakdown, you say that you like to dress up to feel sexy. This is very common and brings a lot of people joy and satisfaction and a sense of erotic playfulness or escapism.

The way you describe the sex you are having is also fuelled by dismissiveness and dissatisfaction

However, you then say that you bought your partner a basque for her to wear. Enjoying dressing up is one thing. Enjoying having a partner dress up for you is a very different – and picking out an outfit for them to wear, without any input from them, and surprising them with it, adds another layer of control to this act.

The general ideas are related, in that you find certain costumes and materials sexy, but the iterations are extremely different, in several ways – most of which are based around not communicating with your partner, clearly or at all.

Then there’s the fact that you are telling your partner that you wouldn’t rather  dressing up while having sex – but that’s not true. You would rather dress up, at least sometimes. The way you describe the sex you are having is also fuelled by dismissiveness and dissatisfaction. By your own description, this issue is now causing a chasm-sized rift – and yet you are still falsely telling your partner that you wouldn’t rather be dressing up. It’s not difficult to imagine that your dissatisfaction has become obvious, and your reassurances unconvincing.

It’s clear that your partner is feeling some insecurity around this issue, hence her concerns that you don’t find her attractive “in the natural state”. Having been together for 14 years and caring enough about this problem to want to solve it does indicate that you care deeply for your partner. But it’s also possible that you have been more obvious about your current sense of dissatisfaction than you realise, and less attentive to or engaged with your partner. Combined with the recent focus on costumes and lingerie, it’s easy to see how she has been left feeling unwanted and undesirable.

The result of your dissatisfaction and her insecurity is sex that is not, at its core, honest, intimate, or apparently particularly enjoyable for either of you.

Apologise for causing any confusion or discomfort by buying her the basque without discussing it, explain why you thought it would be fun and sexy

I do believe that both of you can get what you want – she can feel reassured, and you can have your desires fulfilled. But it starts with being honest. Have a tender, honest, non-confrontational conversation with your partner, expressing regret that she has been feeling insecure or undesired as a person. Express that you want your relationship and your sex life to be fulfilling, enjoyable and empowering for both of you.

Explain that dressing up and having partners dress up is and always will be an important part of your sexuality, and that you want to explore this intimate act with her. Apologise for causing any confusion or discomfort by buying her the basque without discussing it, explain why you thought it would be fun and sexy, and ask her how she felt.

Hopefully this conversation will prove illuminating in that you can explain the appeal of outfits in a way that lets her share your excitement, and she can explain what about that specific situation was difficult for her.

Then, I suggest temporarily parking the issue of this preference, and focusing on your sexual and emotional connection generally. Ask her if she feels appreciated and desired, and if not, how can you work together on this issue. Tell her that you do want your sex life to have some variation and playfulness, and ask her what she would find exciting to try, to show her that you want your sex life to be mutually fulfilling. Commit to improving your communication and connection for the next little while, and then revisit the topic of outfits.

Hopefully, by re-establishing your attraction to and interest in your partner, and having had a clear and honest conversation about your preferences, she will be able to see your desire for outfits as an exciting addition to your sex lives and another way to express intimacy – not a distraction from it.

If your partner remains unwilling to explore an important part of your sexuality with you, a different conversation may be necessary. This could include discussing the option of you attending fetish events where you can dress up and be around others who share your preferences, or it could include parting ways. You shouldn’t have to repress a major part of your sexuality in a relationship – and your partner shouldn’t have to feel insecure, undesired or pressured. Good luck.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe