My girlfriend is always saying she is too sick to have sex

Dear Roe,
My girlfriend of two years rarely wants to have sex any more, and will rarely instigate any sexual activity. This is mainly due to repeatedly getting sick – with headaches, colds, coughs, too tired, too stressed. In the past six months we have had sex twice. I can’t start anything romantically, and kissing and hugging for five-10 minutes is as far as it gets. I love her and won’t leave her over this. Honestly, if it continues I can see myself getting frustrated. I have brought it up and she gives out saying I’m not allowed pressure her into anything, but then she starts crying and telling me not to leave her over it and she’ll try to work on it.

Your girlfriend sounds like she needs to visit a doctor. Not because she’s not interested in sex right now, which is a very normal response to feeling sick, but because she sounds utterly run down, stressed and ill – as though her immune system isn’t protecting her like it should. All of these things are horrible on their own, and collectively sound like she could be suffering from stress or burnout, or could have an underlying medical condition that’s causing illness, fatigue and a low sex drive.

Sometimes people get sick and it's hard, tiring and not sexy

You need to suggest this to her firmly, stressing that you’re concerned about her health and wellbeing and that being consistently sick for six months necessitates a check-up. If you even suggest that “yer wan from the paper said that not having sex with me is a worrying medical condition and you need to go get cured!”, may your Lord help you. The fact that your girlfriend has had to tell you you’re not allowed to pressure her into having sex is deeply concerning, and indicates that the way you have been thinking and communicating about this issue has been problematic.

I believe you when you say you don’t want to leave her, so think of this as a learning curve for a serious, long-term relationship – sometimes people get sick and it’s hard, tiring and not sexy. And you can experience that hardship individually, or you can decide to tackle it together, as a team.

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You need to mentally reframe this problem, shifting “My girlfriend won’t have sex with me, how do I change this?” to “My girlfriend is sick, how do we navigate this, together?”. Of course, it’s not pleasant to suddenly enter into a six-month dry spell, and I empathise – but you’re not the only one in it. Your girlfriend isn’t having sex, either – and she is also dealing with being sick, feeling blamed for the dry spell, being scared that you’re going to pressure her into sex she does not want, and being scared you’re going to leave her.

You’re in the sexual dry spell together, but she’s also dealing with a lot more, and it’s vital you understand that.

Apart from suggesting that your girlfriend visit a doctor, check in with her about how she’s feeling generally, and let her know you love and support her, and that you don’t want your relationship to add to her stress in any way.

Open up a conversation that focuses on how both of you can feel connected and desired – but it’s vital that you begin by accepting her current health limitations. Accept that at the moment, sex might be off the table. Instead, ask her what she is comfortable with, what would make her feel good, and how she is physically and emotionally capable of being affectionate and intimate right now.

Fading intimacy

I suspect that this has been part of the problem with the fading intimacy in your relationship; that kissing and hugging has now become your way of trying to “start anything romantically”. If you’re treating physical affection and intimacy only as foreplay and an attempt to start something sexual, and your girlfriend doesn’t want to be sexual, it makes sense that she would begin to withdraw, to save herself from a sexual advance she does not want and knows she will have to turn down, and having to deal with your inevitable disappointment. Become aware of how you may have done this in the past, acknowledge and apologise for this, and ask how you can move forward together.

Don’t look at physical affection and intimacy as stepping stones, or a means to an end. Look at it as its own, fulfilling experience. Removing the idea that kissing should lead to sexual activity may actually allow you to enjoy it more, as your mind won’t be racing to the next step and just waiting for this “first step” to be over. Ensure she knows that if she initiates kissing or other sexual activity, you’re happy to enjoy that particular activity in the moment, and won’t try to escalate. And use this as an opportunity to explore what forms of physical and emotional affection outside of penetrative sex make you feel appreciated and desired, and ask for those.

Also, get imaginative. Ask her if having some phone sex or sexting when you’re not together could be a way of being sexual together without her physically exhausting herself, or if she has other ideas of how to be sexual in a way that works for her.

I sincerely hope your girlfriend’s health begins to improve and that you both get to enjoy a sex life that works for you. But one of those issues takes priority. Make sure you and your girlfriend know which one you care about more.