Is my drunken, abusive husband capable of change?

Dear Roe,

My husband is a drunk. He is emotionally abusive, and very insulting when drunk. Drinking wine by the bottle or two is his main hobby. He always behaves as if nothing has happened after one of these sessions. I have confronted him many times – he apologises eventually, but there is no change in his appalling behaviour. He sees criticism of any kind as a personal attack.

I believe he has no respect for me. I think he has no capacity for a relationship as he seems, as he gets older, to lack any sense of responsibility for his actions. Do you think such a person is beyond changing? I am tired now, and sad, and from a generation of women who coped. I no longer trust him as I once did with my life.

Regular readers of this column may have noticed that it’s relatively rare for me to explicitly and unequivocally tell someone to leave their partner. Most of the time when there’s a problem in a relationship, I try to acknowledge the unhappy partner’s feelings and assure them that leaving the relationship would be an understandable, utterly survivable and potentially empowering decision.

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However, I’m also aware that leaving a relationship is neither emotionally nor logistically easy in many cases – nor always the only or healthiest option – and so I proffer the option of staying in the relationship but addressing any issues and changing problematic dynamics.

If these changes work, fantastic. Many people can indeed work through their relationship issues, creating clearer boundaries, healthier communication techniques, and ultimately improving and enriching their relationships. Or even if couples try to improve their communication and connection and their dynamic still doesn’t improve, they can end the relationship feeling less conflicted, more certain that leaving is the best option for them – and now hopefully equipped with a clearer understanding of what they want from a relationship, and some tools to help them build that with someone else.

Please bear in mind my reluctance to jump straight to explicitly telling anyone that leaving their relationship is the only option as I tell you, explicitly and unequivocally: You need to leave. There is no other option.

Your husband is abusive, unrepentant, unempathetic, unchanging. His words are meaningless, because apologies are meaningless without changed behaviour, and he has not changed his behaviour. He is knowingly causing you pain and distress, and he does not care.

It sounds like your husband could be an alcoholic, and I have no desire to cast judgment on anyone for an addiction or a dependency, which is an incredibly difficult experience. But being an alcoholic does not automatically cause someone to be emotionally and verbally abusive; he is choosing to be abusive. If the alcohol exacerbates or heightens his abusive tendencies, he is also choosing not to seek help for his alcohol dependency in order to help curb this behaviour. He is choosing not to change. He is choosing to continue abusing you.

You ask if such a person is beyond changing. I think that’s the wrong question, the dangerous question that keeps many people in abusive and unhealthy situations. Firstly, even if your husband did have some buried capacity for change, he has demonstrated absolutely no desire to do so. And secondly, does a person’s hypothetical capacity for change oblige you to stay in an abusive relationship with them; to suffer, to be insulted, to be unhappy, just in case someone who has given no indication that they want to change, someday does? No, it does not.

You have nothing to prove. You do not always have to endure, and cope. There is another option

When it comes to abusive people, society valorises redemption narratives, and defies those who stand by abusive people through their transformation, applauding their self-sacrifice, endurance, forgiveness. We weaponise forgiveness into a test of moral character; truly selfless, supportive people would have boundless faith in their partner’s capacity for change, forgive anything, would stand by their partner no matter what, so that their partner can eventually become a better version of themselves.

We extend a huge amount of empathy towards abusers, explaining away their actions, espousing that, with continued support, they could change. And we forget to extend empathy towards the victims of their abuse, the partners who stay, enduring endless abuse, just hoping that one day, their relationship will become one of the success stories; one day, their abuser will change. Except for the vast majority of these people, their abuser never does. The “capacity for change” narrative has merely kept victims in a dangerous situation; left them as roadkill on an abuser’s road to possible redemption.

Staying with an abusive person is not a test that you must pass to show that you are empathetic or forgiving or supportive or resilient. Your morality, your loyalty, your character has not been called into question. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to prove. You do not always have to endure, and cope. There is another option. You can leave, and live, and thrive.

This does not mean that anyone who has ever been abusive (and particularly anyone with any form of substance abuse problem) should be refused any form of support – but there are professionals and organisations who are trained to do this. There are therapists, anger management specialists, rehabilitation programmes, support groups. If your husband needs help or support, there are various ways he can get it, and none of them require you to continue sacrificing your safety and wellbeing.

You can have empathy for someone’s substance abuse without staying. You can acknowledge a person’s struggles while setting boundaries. You can remember whatever decent, attractive qualities a partner once had while accepting that they do not embody them any more. You can believe that a person has the capacity for change and realise that you don’t have to wait for that to happen.

You can leave. You should leave.

Relationships aren’t about feeling sad and tired and abused and merely coping with all of it. You deserve more. You deserve better. Leave, and go find it.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer (max 200 words), you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.