I rationed sex in my marriage for 20 years - but since menopause, my libido has rocketed

Dear Roe,

I’m one of the lucky women who breezed through menopause with barely a hot flush, then really thrived afterwards. My career has taken off, I’ve taken up running, lost loads of weight, and my confidence has gone way up. To my immense surprise, my libido has also really taken off and that’s my problem really.

I’m not even sure why now, but my younger self had a very negative attitude towards sex. I strictly rationed sex from the very start of my marriage, even on our honeymoon. In fact, I told my husband to just sort himself out (using ruder words!) the one time he raised his disappointment with the lack of sex.

That was 20 years ago and we never really spoke of it again. We got into a pattern of him regularly “flying solo”, interspersed with infrequent sexual contact between us (except when we were trying to conceive, but that brought its own anxieties so wasn’t really enjoyable for either of us).

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Now there's this huge distance between us in the bedroom. I'm trying to communicate my new needs non-verbally, but he either isn't picking up on the signals or can't be bothered. To make matters worse, the few times we attempted it this past year, it was a bit of a flop which must have worn down his confidence. Other than that, we still get on great, make each other laugh, and parent really well together.

I’m finding it very hard though to get past my confusion, frustration, and guilt at the bad situation for him that I had a part in creating. I know I need to hit the reboot switch and somehow get him to break out of his ingrained habits and refocus on making love to me. But I can’t seem to get the words out, as it feels like there’s so much unspoken history weighing it all down.

I'm delighted you're leaning into this new sense of emotional and physical vitality

I’m so glad that menopause has been a positive experience for you, and that you’re thriving. I do not want to diminish the negative physical and emotional experiences that some people go through during and after menopause, as it can be incredibly difficult; but it is important to also acknowledge those for whom menopause is a positive or even neutral experience.

Pharmaceutical companies and the beauty industry are deeply invested in telling women that menopause (read: ageing) is undesirable and unattractive (the worst things a woman could be!); that something is wrong with them for going through this natural experience; and flogging expensive products that are largely directed at masking the effects of ageing, rather than making the experience more comfortable for women. So it’s important to hear stories that counter this pervasively negative narrative; a narrative that is rarely used to actually help women, but to help companies make more money by making women feel bad about themselves.

While menopause can cause some women’s libido to diminish, it can also result in a spike in sexual desire, as you have experienced. This is due to levels of oestrogen and progesterone falling, and levels of testosterone stabilising, resulting in a higher libido. Increased testosterone can also lead to increased energy and confidence, and so hormonal changes could also be playing a part in your newfound sense of motivation, esteem, and your increased interest in exercise, which is all wonderful. I’m delighted you’re leaning into this new sense of emotional and physical vitality.

Given that your mind and body are benefitting from a transitional stage in your life, I think it’s about time you gave your relationship the same opportunity to benefit and evolve, don’t you?

You seem very aware of the negative and anxiety-driven pattern and dynamic that has come to define your sex life, and the ways in which you contributed to it. That self-awareness is important, and will play a key part in addressing and hopefully changing this pattern. Because while it’s great that you are feeling good about your increased libido, changing a negative dynamic around sex cannot be solely for your own gratification.

You need to address the past, your present, and your desired future very clearly with your husband

After inflicting some sexual shame and negativity upon your husband for decades, it would be selfish of you and confusing for him if you were to start pursuing a lot of sexual activity now without addressing your past dynamic. This reconnection needs to be because you recognise that you and your husband are missing out on a mutually empowering way to create intimacy and pleasure and connection in your relationship through sex, and that you want to rectify that.

Unsurprisingly, this means abandoning your plan of relying on non-verbal cues and actually speaking to your husband. Firstly, after two decades of being explicitly told that his sexual interest in you wasn’t always welcome, your husband’s lack of response to your non-verbal cues is completely understandable. You’re trying to institute a huge shift in your relationship and sex life without being clear and explicit – but communication around sex and consent needs to be clear and explicit.

Secondly, you acknowledge that, in the past, you have been dismissive of your husband’s interest in sex, and that his confidence has been affected – but you are now expecting him to feel comfortable engaging in telepathy and understanding that both your attitude toward and desire for sex has undergone a huge transformation.

I don’t say this to make you feel more guilt, but to help show you why this conversation needs to be explicit. You need to address the past, your present, and your desired future very clearly with your husband. You are more than capable – you’ve explained it quite clearly here.

Tell him that you’ve realised you projected some of your negative feelings around sex onto him early on in your marriage, and that you understand how that has created a negative dynamic around sex, and that you apologise. Ask him how that has made him feel over the years, and how it has affected his connection with you, and really listen. Explain to him that your libido has increased and that you would like to connect with him both emotionally and sexually, and if he would be interested in that – and what would make him comfortable doing so. And have an open, honest, vulnerable conversation about how both of you are doing as individuals and as a couple, and how you would like your relationship to evolve.

You’re in a glorious, potential-laden period of change and evolution right now. Embrace it. Turn the unspoken history of your relationship into the addressed, acknowledged and understood history – and a more hopeful, connected and communicative future.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.