‘How do I leave my partner without feeling guilty?’

Dear Roe, 

I have been with my partner for nine years. He's an alcoholic, and we have been through a lot as he hit bottom, including his affair. He is sober now for almost two years and I am proud of him. However, I'm not sure if I want to stay in this relationship. I find it so, so difficult to leave him. I feel guilty when I try to distance myself from him. He has been depressed and suicidal, and has had cancer in the last few years but he's doing much better. 

I have recently met a woman that I am really attracted to. I feel like a teenager! I think that life is short so I should go for it, but I do want to get to know her little by little and enjoy that.

I know my partner loves me and would do anything for me. But I feel suffocated as he gets into bad moods if I set limits on the time we spend together. I want to do lots of things like go on meditation retreats or get fit or meet friends or spend time with my family. How do I extricate myself from this relationship without feeling really terrible and guilty and afraid of an unknown (but maybe exciting!) future?

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It’s clear that you have a lot of empathy for your partner, and that this empathy has seen you through a lot of challenges with him; his alcoholism, his depression, his infidelity. Your relationship has been defined by you empathising with your partner’s struggles, his feelings, his desires – and putting your own on the backburner.

It’s clear that your empathy and desire to not cause him any pain is also the main reason that you are staying in a relationship that is no longer making you happy, and is not equal. Though you say your partner “would do anything” for you, he has proven this not to be true. He has hurt you, he doesn’t respect your boundaries, and his demands are limiting your ability to live your life the way you want to.

Empathy is a beautiful, necessary, all-too-rare trait, and most people, particularly people who are struggling, deserve empathy. The problem arises when we misunderstand empathy as living without boundaries; as not being allowed to respect and act on your own feelings and desires; as no longer living as an individual person, but a human sacrifice for someone else’s happiness.

Stop turning your compassionate nature against yourself and use it to advocate for yourself instead. You deserve to be happy. Empathise with yourself enough to believe that

This is a trap you have fallen into. You believe that because you can understand your partner’s feelings, you have to put your own emotions and happiness at risk forever to solve his problems. You do not.

You did not cause your partner’s alcoholism, depression or cancer. What your kind, nearly decade-long support did was help him get to the more stable, sober place he is in now. And because he is more stable, now is the time to leave.

He can now turn to friends, family and hopefully a sponsor or therapist that can help him through the universal, survivable pain of a relationship ending. If he doesn’t have the latter, suggest he get one. If he chooses not to seek out someone else for support, that is his choice. Remember that. It is not your responsibility to endure constant unhappiness so he can avoid any unhappiness.

Leave. Not because you don’t have empathy for him, but because you also have empathy for yourself, and because both of you need to learn how to support yourselves. Seek out a relationship with fun and fulfilment and healthy, equal boundaries. Stop turning your compassionate nature against yourself and use it to advocate for yourself instead. You deserve to be happy. Empathise with yourself enough to believe that.

[ Roe McDermott ]

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe