Holidays can be a stressful time for even the happiest of families, but for separated fathers, they can be an expensive, and often legal, minefield, writes BRIAN O'CONNELL
FOR MANY families, summer holidays are a stress reliever. It’s a time to kick back and switch off, when normal parent-children routines are abandoned and the family gets to spend what they call “quality time” together. But what of parents who may have recently separated?
For fathers who may not have had much experience of spending a prolonged period of time with their children on their own, holidays can make for pressure cooker-type situations.
Men find it hard to speak about these pressures for fear of sounding inadequate as fathers or ungrateful for the time with their children. Coupled with this, the process of agreeing summer holidays can be a flashpoint of tension between them and their ex-partners.
Unless they are appointed legal guardians, there may also be issues securing children’s passports. Treoir, a national federation providing advice to unmarried parents and their children, says the past weeks have seen an upsurge in calls to its national helpline from separated fathers.
Margot Doherty, assistant chief executive of the organisation, says much uncertainty and confusion exists around the issue of passports.
“We are getting a lot of calls about travelling abroad and people need to be clear about their freedom to travel and the situation for unmarried parents. Generally for most unmarried families, only the mother is the legal guardian and she is free to get a passport for a child to travel,” she says.
“Where a father is legal guardian also you need permission of the other guardian to get a passport to travel abroad. If the couple is married, both parents need to consent. So the bottom line is that if both parents are legal guardians, then you’re not supposed to travel without consent. Getting the passport is the way parents give their consent. There isn’t another form that you fill in.
“With a married person if the mother decided to go off and the father doesn’t want her to, then she is essentially abducting the child. Where the coupled are unmarried, and the mother is legal guardian, the father doesn’t have any say.”
Doherty says that in some situations, the giving of consent may not be clear-cut, and parents can find themselves in court in order to secure what should be routine family holidays.
“People can and do end up in court over this. If one parent decides to be obstreperous, there could be a situation where the mother might say the week before that she has changed her mind. By that stage, the dad has the holidays all booked and paid for. That can be a problem.
“He can apply to the local district court to have consent dispensed and they might try to facilitate the request and push it in quickly. At the same time it couldn’t be guaranteed. It’s confusing because there is not any form you sign to say, ‘Yes, I give my consent’.”
Greg Canty, a separated father of two, has brought his children on many family holidays in the two decades since his split.
Canty says his children were aged three and six when he and his wife separated, and that the adjustment from spending every day with the children to alternating weekends and holidays takes getting used to.
“It is a shock all round when you separate. With the holiday thing, the kids get pulled all over the place. They even start feeling disloyal to their mother when they are going away for the whole week. It’s weird for you and it’s weird for them. It can be really intense for some dads, but I must say I always loved it.”
When families separate, often money can be a lot tighter for both parents. This can be a factor for fathers as they attempt to maintain regular holiday experiences with their children.
“I think in any separated situation there is less money and yet you still want to have a good holiday with the kids. Financially, it is a lot more pressure. You’re maintaining two houses, two lifestyles and two sets of holidays and that stuff.
“The bonus for the kids, of course, is that they get two sets of holidays instead of one. But the kids can get into lonely territory a little bit. You need to be conscious that they are saying goodbye to their mum for a week.”
Aside from the emotional concerns, there are also practical ones. Should your children be travelling with you on their own, they will need playmates and activities suited to their age. Otherwise, the holiday can become an endurance test rather than a treat.
Matthew Spalding is a separated father of one, who has been a single father for the past six years.
“I am quite fond of saying that I haven’t had a holiday in those six years. Any time I get off I take my daughter away. I haven’t put my feet up or gone away with the lads in that time,” he says.
“Within a year of spitting up, I went away for a week with a friend to his parents’ house. I came back after four days as I didn’t want to be away from my daughter that long. In the first year after the break-up you are very sensitive and there is a lot of guilt. I simply didn’t want to be away from her. I could probably do it now alright.”
Generally, when Spalding and his daughter go on holidays, they head for a campsite either in Ireland or abroad. He says that his daughter gets to meet children her own age and it is a cost- effective means of travel.
Another help he says has been to travel with family members who have kids of the same age, although this may not always be possible.
“As soon as we get into a campsite, kids will flock together like sheep. As a single parent, I think it’s one of the best options. My daughter generally runs for the nearest children. It makes for a really good holiday and gives me some time alone to open the Christmas present book I’ve been meaning to read for a year.”
HOLIDAY TIME: WHAT'S ON OFFER?
OVERSEAS CAMPING
French camping specialist Siblu says its specially tailored holiday package “makes entertaining the children on holiday easy if you’re travelling as a sole parent”. Included in its prices are three kids’ clubs, as well as indoor and outdoor pool complexes, daily sports activities and evening entertainment. Prices start from €525 for a seven-night holiday in the south of France in a luxury mobile home that sleeps up to six.
Until the end of July, Siblu is offering a 10 per cent discount to all single-parent travellers – simply quote IRSING at time of booking.
See siblu.ie.
PACKAGE HOLIDAYS
Sunway Travel is offering special rates for single-parent families travelling to Morocco, on a mixture of beach and cultural holidays. Specifically, a number of hotels in Agadir offer deals for single parents.
Generally speaking, with package holidays prices are based on two adults sharing, so if a parent and one child travels, the child may have to pay full adult price. With the Sunway offer, which is available all season, you just need to pay one adult and one child price.
See sunway.ie or tel: 01-2886828.
STAY AT HOME OPTION
Dunloe Castle, a five-star hotel in Killarney, Co Kerry, offers both rates and packages for single-parent families. Included are father and son fishing trips, night-time movie screenings and Wii nights, as well as complimentary horse riding and outdoor play areas.
The hotel says the rates were introduced in the past five years to meet demand from single families. Prices for one child and one adult start at €170 per night – a reduction of almost 20 per cent on the two adults family rate.
See thedunloe.com
