Eating out:It seemed like a good idea to start a mini-tour of the southwest, as so many tourists do, in Killarney, and to check out the expensively appointed Muckross Park Hotel, which was opened by the Taoiseach and which called in Joanna Lumley to mark its elevation to five-star status.
Mindful of the charge that I sometimes get "restaurant critic service" when eating out, I can be particularly vigilant, because I'm omy own. I'm going to dine with a book and the Simplex crossword.
At 8.06pm I check in to the hotel. The receptionist explains that there are three ways of eating. There's bar food in Moll Darcy's; there's a formal restaurant called the Blue Pool; and there's GB Shaw's, which one might imagine would be a vegetarian establishment but in fact specialises in seafood.
I arrive in GB Shaw's at 8.16pm. At 8.19pm someone notices me and agrees to let me have a table. But he doesn't have any menus, as they "are all in use". Which is odd, because I reckon only three tables are occupied.
One of them is taken by a Scottish family who have a curiously resigned look about them. I should take this as a warning. The children, all under eight, are utterly angelic. At 8.23pm, having perused the menu on display in the restaurant bar (which is Oirish), I sit down and order a large bottle of still water. I get the wine list, but still no menu, at 8.25pm. At 8.32pm (still no sign of the menu) I order a half-bottle of L'Abeille de Fieuzal 2003. At 8.40pm it arrives. It is oxidised, so I order a bottle of something else, which arrives promptly, with the menu, but turns out to be corked. This is getting embarrassing. A bottle of Pinot Grigio, mercifully, turns out to be okay. I order food at 8.50pm. My starter arrives 22 minutes later.
It's a prawn cocktail in the modern idiom - that is, not in a cocktail glass but containing all the traditional elements, right down to the crisp-head lettuce. In fact, it's pretty good, if a bit dear at €16.50. But the prawns are the real deal.
I begin to look forward to my simple grilled black sole and manage to forgive the slow pace of service until, oh, about 20 minutes later. One of the Scottish children begins to cry, quietly and apologetically. He is more than 40 years younger than me, but I know exactly how he feels.
I am occasionally reassured that my main course is "on the way". At 9.55pm there is still no sign of my sole - or of the waiting staff, who seem to have taken refuge in the kitchen. I walk out and ask reception to send a ham sandwich to my room. At 10.11pm the restaurant manager phones to say that my black sole is ready. I decline it.
At 10.14pm my sanger arrives with rather soggy chips and a salad that appears to have died at about noon, possibly as a result of being assaulted by a substance masquerading as dressing. This substance is still an emulsified form of gloop an hour after it arrives.
I relate this litany of woe to a very pleasant duty manager who, of all the duty managers in Ireland, has just had the unpleasant experience of having a critic drop in when the restaurant is in a state of crisis that makes the tower of Babel look like an exercise designed by Harvard Business School.
He is so pleasant and professional in the midst of this wreckage-strewn evening that he manages to extract a promise from me to come back when he has sorted things out. I think the quality of that prawn cocktail has something to do with it.
I can't tell you how much the meal, such as it was, cost, because I felt no obligation to pay for it, given that I ended up hungry and rather light- headed after several glasses of white wine on a near-empty stomach.
Next morning the receptionist refuses to let me pay for my perfectly comfortable room - a minor compensation for ending up very hungry the night before.
Wine choice
I have a lot of time to peruse the rather dull wine list. My second choice, La Ghersa Sivoy 2003, a white wine from northern Italy, is too old for comfort, despite being corked (which is nobody's fault). My Pinot Grigio, which is pleasant, is €29.95 or an extortionate €8.95 a glass. Château Doisy-Daëne Sec 2003, unusual in having some Riesling in the blend, is an exquisite Bordeaux blanc for €44.95. Strozzi Titolato Chianti is a good buy at €25. La Ghersa Barbera d'Asti, full of fruit with a light seasoning of oak, is probably the best value, at €28.95.