Question
I have a very close friend whom I know has never been in a relationship with a man. We are very close and I’ve tried a few times to bring up the topic, but she has always been evasive and doesn’t really open up.
There was one time when we were younger – mid-20s – and I tried to talk about it. She got visibly upset, so, naturally, that has stopped me from going there again. We are both in our mid-30s now and so it hasn’t got any easier to talk about it. She is confident in her job and is socially popular among her friends, but lacks confidence to date men.
I know she has plenty of male admirers, but I think she loses confidence when any of them try to get close to her or to get to know her better. I know her well enough to know that she would like to meet someone. I’ve already suggested she join more social groups as she likes outdoors, but she seems to shy away and I think this is a confidence issue too. In the meantime, she pursues her interests alone.
Most of her friends are now married or in relationships.
How can I help her? I want to suggest to her to seek professional help, but I’m afraid she’ll be offended or, worse still, get upset.
Answer
The really good thing is that your friendship is solid and enduring and this means that, whatever happens, it will last and be a source of support to both of you. Your intentions are very good in that you want your friend to have the opportunity to find a soul mate, but you must start from where your friend is at, not where you would like her to be.
She may be shy and you can help her with this by widening her social circle via accompanying her to whatever events or activities might be of interest to her. When she becomes more comfortable with new people she may open up to connecting with others, but this may take a long time. Another possibility is that your friend may have some trauma in her background that has ongoing and intense effects, so tread carefully and wait for requests for support.
Your friend might feel hyper-conscious of her lack of romantic relationship in her 30s. This is not unusual and there are many others in a similar position. However it is not easy to open up and address the matter and it probably is something your friend fears doing. It takes self-confidence to overcome fear and we do so by facing one small fear a day – eventually widening our comfort zone to encompass whatever it is that we fear.
You could tell her that you are setting yourself a challenge (to overcome fear) and ask if she’d like to join you in this (do it lightheartedly) and set a reward for the two of you if you both keep the challenge up for a couple of months. Make the reward a decent one such as a spa weekend away. Many of our fears are located in communication (it is why we tell white lies, such as saying I’m great, when we truly are not) so the challenge could be here. It might be that she agrees to saying hello to someone at (or on) the bus stop or that she asks a question of someone who she finds attractive.
The fun part of this is that you have to overcome your fears too – these are not hard to identify and if you are unsure ask someone close to you to set you challenges. Then you can both report back and evaluate your success – even having happy-face stickers can work. As your friend sees your vulnerabilities, she may feel safer in opening up about hers.
If you have ever had counselling/coaching or other support, it might be a good idea to be open about it. Do not require acknowledgment of this, but drop it into conversation so that she can pick up on it at a time that might feel okay for her. If you are in good company with other people it might be possible to have conversations about fear where she can hear others be vulnerable or open. Indeed, if appropriate you might have discussions about attraction, what it is, how it works and what it draws out of us. All friendships have aspects of attraction in them – you might let her know why she is such a good friend and why you like spending time with her as it will be hard for her to deny the truthfulness of what you say. However, the main message is that she is a worthwhile person that you like a lot and that you will go on the journey with her and not force your idea of improvement on her.
That is the essence of friendship; patience and enjoyment of each other are at the core. To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
