‘I’ve reconnected with an old friend and can’t help but feel a spark of attraction I haven’t felt towards men before’

Dear Roe,

I’m a man in my late 20s and throughout my life I’ve exclusively dated women. I’m recently out of a long-term relationship and have returned to Ireland after five years living abroad. I recently reconnected with an old friend and met him for a pint. The evening went really well and I enjoyed catching up and couldn’t help but feel a spark of attraction that I haven’t really felt towards men before. Imagine my surprise then when his name came up with another friend and I learned that he had recently come out. We’re supposed to meet again soon and I’ve no doubt something probably will happen between us. I’m curious about exploring this aspect of my sexuality, but equally nervous. What do you think?

I think that it’s wonderful that you’ve discovered this new part of your being and sexuality. This marks a wonderful transition point in your life as you start to gain a new understanding of yourself. I also think you need to slow down. You’re making several large jumps between “I felt a spark of attraction to this old friend” and “I’m sure the next time we meet, something will happen between us”. I’m not getting any indication from your letter of why you’re so sure. You don’t know if he’s single, looking, or interested in you. You don’t know if he wants to complicate things with a friend. You don’t know if he could potentially be interested but doesn’t want to jump into anything immediately. You’re making several assumptions about him and making large leaps into the future when what you need to be focusing on right now is yourself in the present.

You’ve discovered that your sexuality is more fluid than you once knew, and you don’t have to worry about labelling it right now – often we rush people into defining their sexuality simply because it makes it easy for others to define and categorise them. At some later stage, you may feel that a label such as bisexuality, pansexuality, demisexuality or something else feels right for you – but for now, what you know is that one night when you met up, you felt attracted to this man in particular. Why not let yourself enjoy that for a moment instead of being so goal-oriented? Why not meet up with him as a friend and spend a bit more time understanding the contours of your attraction to him before needing to do anything specific about it? This is a person you have known for a long time but this experience and these feelings are new, which is an interesting combination. Why not linger in this for a moment and try to feel and appreciate the shape of these feelings a little?

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Meet up with him and pay attention to what is going on for you physically and emotionally when you’re around him. You could pay attention to whether your attraction is physical and sexual – or you might notice that his personality and the connection you share feels like it has the potential to be emotional and intellectual, too. Notice what makes you feel excited around him. Once you let yourself notice and enjoy these feelings for a while, you may also get clearer on what you want to happen with this person. Are you hoping for a conversation with a person you know about your sexuality? Do you want a one-off sexual experience with someone you feel comfortable with? Do you want to date? Or do you want to explore and decide later, which may mean not making any hurried moves right now.

I say this not to discourage you at all – if this turns into a fun and steamy fling or a loving relationship that would be wonderful, and please write it to give us that happy update! I say this because this is an old friend, these are new feelings, and there’s a risk of you being so focused on serving your curiosity about this new attraction to men (or this particular man), that you rush things and end up reducing this person down to a vessel who exists solely to fulfil your desire. He may be out to some people in your social circle, but that doesn’t make him immediately out to you, available to you or necessarily the right option for you right now, and skipping over those obvious stepping stones as you launch yourself towards an end goal feels like a sign that you need to take a breath. This man is a friend and a man with his own interior life and desires and attractions, as well as being someone you find attractive. So move slowly, to respect his autonomy and boundaries as well as to learn more about your own desire.

Moving slowly is important because while exploring a new facet of your sexuality will always come with some exploration into the unknown where we can’t predict our feelings, it’s important to be grounded enough that you can make some mindful choices about your behaviour and make sure these choices are good for you and the other person. For example, would you be happy to still be friends if things didn’t work out? If something happened with this man, would you be comfortable with other people knowing? I ask because while you don’t have to share anything with anyone before you are ready, that may be an important conversation to have with him before something happens. He is newly out to some people and it may be important for him not to feel like this part of himself is being kept secret again in some way.

Moving slowly will just give you a bit more time to appreciate the excitement of these new feelings, decide how you would ideally want to act on them and have any necessary conversations you need to have first. I also think that if something happens, it’s important that you feel comfortable having any other necessary conversations that you may not have had with a man before, such as navigating safe sex practices, communicating through any sexual acts you may not have tried before and being open with him that these are new experiences so you can move at a pace that feels comfortable and that you can explore a fun and pleasurable experience together. If you don’t think you’re ready to start that type of communication, you are not ready for the rest of it.

Meet up with him as friends as intended and see how you feel. If things go well, if you are noticing and enjoying the contours of your attraction to him, if he indicates that he’s comfortable with you knowing that he’s out, you could broach the conversation about how you’re glad to reconnect and are noticing that you find him attractive – and then see what he says. Be respectful either way, move slowly, and enjoy yourself. This is a lovely and exciting time. Don’t miss it by rushing.