VICTORIA GALLAGHER-O'HOULIHANfinds fear and loathing on her very first campaign trail

UNTIL VERY recently I had no idea what a sorry state this country was in. Often I'd hear instigators complaining about this and that and would replay the best bits from My Big Fat Gypsy Weddingin my head to block out the sound.

Last month, however, I discovered that my health insurance no longer covers “frivolous cosmetic procedures”. Can you imagine having to fumble about for a credit card during such a delicate operation? Can you?

The reason for this sudden shocking stinginess on my diamond plan is clear: there are simply too many poor people in Ireland putting a drain on our precious, precious resources. These people have to do the decent thing and go. They are wrecking our buzz.

I immediately resolved to act. By now, you probably all know about the first and only meeting of Anemocracy Now. Suffice it to say, we didn’t know the Wiccans could summon a hurricane; they were hired to serve hors d’oeuvres.

Also, Glenda is now out of intensive care and the neurologist insists that many women her age have gone on to lead perfectly productive lives with an acrylic nail lodged in their frontal lobes.

Anyway, after all that fuss it is with great regret that I must pull out of the coming election race. I learned a great deal about politics and finance during my brief time on the campaign trail. (Did you know that banks are places where people who don’t know how to invest money put their cash? Amazing!) I would, of course, like to thank everyone in BT2 and Maven for their vocal support of my candidature, but politics is simply no place for a smoking babe.

It is true that women have, of late, made great strides in the political arena. Lady TDs are no longer required to be “handsome” or carry pistols to get votes or be taken seriously. Unfortunately, women such as President Miriam O’Callaghan and Lucinda Creighton are still the exception and not the rule.

Ireland: I cannot lead you. It is for you to lead yourselves. And it is high time the people of this country took a stand against our successive regimes of butt-ugly politicians. How can you expect someone to run the state effectively if they can’t look after their roots?

Sometimes I wish that, just for a change, we were owned by England or America. These nations have presentable public representatives and clear-cut ideological choices to make.

Do I go for Miliband geek chic or old-money razzmatazz? I know she’s awful, but can I really say no to Sarah Palin in that vintage Versace? Do our obese, unkempt, profoundly unfashionable politicians think we’re all idiots?

Barack Obama didn’t get to be president without a stairmaster. Why should we settle for less?

BTW I am very annoyed at that dreadful person in the Herald who called me a procrastinator. That is between me and my colonic irrigationist, sir.