‘Any chance of a passport?’ asks the Queen while Lars Von Trier takes on Mrs Brown

Patrick Freyne previews this year’s Christmas TV and gives away some plot twists

 Mary, Mel and Sue’s Big Christmas Thank You air on BBC1 on Christmas Eve.  Photograph: Emilie Sandy/BBC

Mary, Mel and Sue’s Big Christmas Thank You air on BBC1 on Christmas Eve. Photograph: Emilie Sandy/BBC

I have previewed next week’s television so you can forgo binge watching and instead spend time talking to your family, who love you, apparently.

‘Mary, Mel and Sue’s Big Christmas Thank You’ aka Continuity Bake Off (Christmas Eve, BBC1)

Bake Off alumni Mary, Mel and Sue hate cakes now, and the “Thank You” in the title is clearly sarcastic. In this programme, the trio travel Britain on the trail of the Great Satan, “Paul Hollywood”, salting the earth and destroying confectionery as they go. And yet, there is still hope, for when they arrive at one small Welsh village kind-hearted locals melt their icy hearts (“I can feel again!” gibbers Mel before Mary slaps her with a spatula) and the unholy trinity reward them by renovating their community centre and giving them a slap-up feed. They subsequently burn Chester to the ground.

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