SIGNING ON:Sometimes it's hard for our unemployed columnist to stay upbeat, between the burglary and his wife's job prospects
HE GOES through bouts of working out excessively, not drinking, not smoking; but inexorably he slides back into a cycle of cheap wine, cheap cigarettes, staying up to watch (downloaded) episodes of The Wire, Empire Boardwalkand, even though he can ape the entire dialogue, The Sopranos. At present, he's addicted to Gabriel Byrne's In Treatment, but seems to want to watch it only when everyone else is asleep. During these pointless, self-destructive periods, he lacks the motivation to go to the gym. Sometimes he stays up till 1am, knowing that in five hours' time he'll be hefting the baby from her cot, knackered. Why?
To dull the mind. To make the routine more arduous than it really is. To punish himself?
(For what?)
His wife is more intelligent, much more resolute. She has been following a strict diet, swimming gently (overactive thyroid prevents strenuous aerobic exercise). Is feeling stronger. Borrows an expensive designer suit from her sister, attends an interview, returns home pleased.
Next day receives a phone call to say she has been shortlisted for a second round. She attends; the prospective employer suggests splitting the working week between the two best candidates, her and a younger unmarried woman (with no kids). She plays hardball, says either they want to hire her, or they don’t. Within days they are back on, talking about a full-time position to start in September.
***
They go out for a drink, but there is a strange tension between them. She knows he is delighted for her, and relieved about the prospect of a steady income, but she can see the fear in his eyes.
A stay-at-home dad? “Mr Mom”? He loves his children dearly, but the idea of taking care of them full-time, indefinitely, is, frankly, terrifying.
His wife goes to bed early. He stays up.
Next day, as if to highlight his fears, he finds a “to-do” list dropped on the green, presumably by one of the estate’s stay-at-home mothers: “Buy B’s school tie, pick up J’s suit from cleaners, RSVP invite to Sarah’s party, new blue laces for football boots . . .”
A life devoid of spontaneity, paid work, intellectual stimulation (not one he had planned).
***
His Romanian friend is granted a holiday visa to Australia. The unemployed man goes to the airport to see him off. He presumes his friend will be checking out employment prospects, but in the airport lounge his friend flicks open an iPad, shows pictures of a woman he has been corresponding with for months. She is beautiful, and even the small segments of her letters he is permitted to read reveal a keen intelligence. The unemployed man listens to his friend describe the relationship. When the word “love” is mentioned, he feels, well, more than a little cynical. Can you fall in love with someone without first meeting them? Can you tell before you kiss?
Who cares? Life is about taking risks.
***
After his friend leaves he watches mothers and fathers hugging their emigrating offspring. Bravado, backslapping, men avoiding feelings. Women being more honest.
Talk on the radio in the car going home about riots in Greece. But no talk of heartbreak. Talk of restructured loans; no talk of shattered lives, houses quietly emptied of dreams.
***
The ’burbs so quiet at night. He doesn’t bother locking the car (who’d want it?), and sometimes when he steps out for a final smoke under the stars, forgets to lock the door on the way back in.
They are broken into. No cash or jewellery in the house, but the family laptop (with hundreds of pics of the babies) is taken.
Their German shepherd, fierce-looking but astonishingly docile, must have sat on her rug, wagging.
***
A knock at the door. The caller is shaven-headed, rough-looking. No “good morning”. Mean eyes. Cold blank stare. The dog senses the tension, pricks up her ears. The caller motions at her with his head:
–That dog bite?
–If I tell her to, yes. How can I help?
A debt collector. But one with an irrational fear of dogs. He goes through his paces half-heartedly, beats a rapid retreat.
In the kitchen, the unemployed man gives the dog a biscuit. Then starts to laugh. Can’t stop. Knows it is not really that funny, knows he is attempting to laugh in the face of adversity. And more.
Then, recognising early warning signals, dials his shrink.
