Tony Ferrino: "Phenomenon"
RCA 74321447112 (47 mins)
Dial-a-track code: 1751
If easy listening is the new rock'n'roll, then Tony Ferrino is the strutting, macho cock-rocker with a large courgette stuck down his trousers. Here's a guy who boasts in the opening song, Other Men's Wives, that no man's spouse is safe in his company, and who nonchalantly claims in Sunday For Me to have a different girl for every day of the week.
Despite being an unreconstructed sexist, however, the slimy singer from Portugal has scored big chart hits in his home country with such albums as The Quickly Man, Listen To The Horse and Nice Ass!, and the misogynistic outbursts of this mustachio'd, medallion-flashing Latino seem to hit the right notes with the ladies. How else could you explain the appearance of feisty little ice-queen Bjork on the track, Short Term Affair, playing the innocent au pair being preyed upon by the sleazy hubbie (played by Tony, of course)?
What's harder to explain, though, is how Tony Ferrino's superannuated style of MOR could get an airing on prime-time BBC television, or how this Iberian invertebrate was deemed a suitable subject for an in-depth documentary-cum-interview on the same channel. I mean, this guy makes Barry Manilow sound indie, and his inept attempts to emulate such greats as Neil Diamond, Tom Jones and Noel Harrison would be hilarious if they were not downright offensive to women (Lap Dancing Lady), small woolly animals (Silence Of The Lambs) and German frauleins with speech impediments (Stuttering Sadie From Stuttgart).
Ferrino's avowed enemy, Andrew Lloyd Webber, must be laughing up his technicolor sleeve at such mock-epic ballads as What Is Life? or the implausible story-line of Man Stallion - A Fable. And when Tony launches into the lofty sentiments of Valley Of Our Souls, he's sabotaged by his own accent, so that the final refrain comes out sounding like "valley of arseholes". What an ass.
Indeed, so laughable is Ferrino's entire persona, some people believe that he is in fact a fictional character created by comedian Steve Coogan, and that his music and manner is a pastiche of every cheesy-listening cliche. Incredible. I don't care whether he's real or not, however, I just wish this sleazy, singing scuzzball would just feck off back to Portugal and stop phoning my wife.
The Harvest Ministers: "Orbit"
Setanta SETCD33 (41 mins)
Dial-a-track code: 1861
The third album by the Dublin sadcore band is another low-key affair, focusing on the downbeat songs of William Merriman, which sway between morose and downright maudlin. Luckily, the Ministers have tried to create the right atmosphere for these desolate tunes, recruiting P.J. Harvey collaborator John Parish to give the album a deserted, rough-and-tumbledown feel. Mr Merriman is blessed with neither Nick Cave's resonant tenor nor Stuart Staples' bereft baritone, so he often sounds more petulant than existential, although he can still put some Tindersticks-style pathos into tunes like The Object Of Your Affections and Don't Give A Cent (To The Charities Of Hope). In songs like Orbit and A Feeling Mission, however, Merriman just sounds self-indulgent, and he's aided and abetted by some lacklustre instrumentation. Perhaps it's time for The Harvest Ministers to cheer up and create something brighter and bolder.
Various Artists: "Volume 17"
Volume 17VCI7 (123 mins)
Dial-a-track code: 1971
Feeling ripped off by the rash of "indie" compilations which recycle the same tunes by Blur, Oasis, Pulp and Ash? Then it's time to pick up Volume, the magazine-cum-CD compilation which gives you the best value for music and money. This fifth birthday bumper bonanza features 30 rare and exclusive tracks, a 192-page glossy book which is chock-full of interviews and interesting stuff, and the first 5,000 copies even come with free CD-Rom. Now that's what I call inexpensive. Tracks to listen out for include new recordings by Alabama 3, Elastica, Gallon Drunk, Rare, Curve, Elvis Costello and Cocteau Twins, remixed tracks by Bjork, Terrorvision and Longpigs, and alternate versions of songs by Catatonia, The Auteurs and The Divine Comedy. The best indie album in the world... until Volume 18 comes out.
