"I'd like to write about your marriage in The Irish Times, "is the kind of sentence that would see most couples flee for cover. But not Debbie and Noel Flynn or Deirdre and Robert Morgan. These are not the sort of people who let their relationships slide into the mess that most of us muddle through. Far from avoiding analysis of their relationship, they welcome it.

Which is why, earlier this year, they were two of six couples who took time out to attend a Marriage and Relationship Maintenance course. That's maintenance as in car maintenance, an overhaul which will keep the engine of your relationship purring rather than waiting until it overheats or breaks down to go for "repair" counselling. "A generation ago you probably waited until your teeth were rotting before you visited the dentist," says Cora Lambert, one of the designers of the course. "You certainly didn't go to the doctor until you were sick. But today we believe in regular check ups." If so for our teeth and our health, they reason, why not for our primary relationships too?

As we all know, marriage is changing - "moving from an institution based on predesignated - roles stressing duty and obligation to a more spontaneous individualistic relationship" is how the MRCS brochure puts it. If there was anything good about the bad old days of "you've made your bed, now go and lie on it", it was that roles were clearly defined. Today, everything is negotiable, in theory anyway, and that means the smallest aspects of life can be pressure points waiting to blow.

So encouraging couples to, in the words of Cora Lambert, "take time out to value what is good in their relationship and attend to what needs to be done to keep it in good working order," seemed a worthwhile project to the Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services (MRCS).

It was her career break and the way it altered their relationship that prompted Deirdre Morgan to suggest she and her husband should do this course. "Robert and I have the same qualification, we're both occupational psychologists," she says "but when we had our two young children I took a career break, add all of a sudden I became just mother. The balance of power shifted in a way that I found very difficult to cope with and it put a lot of pressure on our relationship. I wanted to analyse that and was also curious as to whether there were practical tips on techniques for managing a relationship."

THE Morgans found the opportunity to do this in a structured way under the experienced guidance of marriage counsellors was a worthwhile exercise. "But because of our backgrounds, we found some of the psychological theories irritatingly over simplified," she says. "There were also minor niggles, like poor use of overheads and flipcharts, and a more fundamental problem in that a lot of the research and resources used for the course are American, and - I believe - culturally specific, not necessarily applying to an Irish situation."

For Debbie and Noel Flynn - married 14 years this year - a marriage maintenance course was just what they had been looking for. The Flynns are a role reversal couple. Some years ago, Noel gave up his career in the chemical industry to care for their four children - aged 11 down to two - full time, while Debbie juggles stakes in a number of successful businesses.

The concept of taking time out for their relationship is not new to the Flynns: both are adamant that they could never have managed their demanding lifestyle and kept their relationship happy without constantly negotiating their positions around career changes and children. Nonetheless, they welcomed the structured format of a course and have since set in motion a number of practical ideas which they hope will ease some trouble spots in their day.

For example, Debbie is to take a half hour breather after work to go and have a coffee, read the paper, go for a walk provided that when she comes home, she can fake over the children and give Noel some much needed escape. They have set aside Wednesday nights for "talk time", where the emphasis is actually on listening to the other, says Noel, "without butting in or reacting, just accepting the emotions being expressed."

One of the most valuable aspects of the course, both couples emphasise is interaction with others. "Listening to other couples in the group, hearing how they did things, even down to the voyeuristic thing of saying at least we're not that bad, that was what I felt to be the most worthwhile aspect," says Robert Morgan. "It was great to get a benchmark of what's happening in other families," agrees Noel Flynn.

Another winner was the analysis of differences in male and female thought and behaviour, the men are from Mars women are from Venus syndrome. "Seventy five percent of our rows used to be over ways of disciplining the kids," says Debbie Flynn. "I would tend to compromise with the children, distract them from something they shouldn't be doing, and accommodate their differences. Noel would tend to be more confrontational, to set rules and expect them to be obeyed."

This gender divide was common to all the couples with children on the course, as was the way men tend to "think to talk" - sort out a solution to a problem in their minds, then voice it - whereas women "talk to think" - work through a solution by talking about it. "Another similarity was the way men tend to do only one thing at a time, whereas women juggle lots of different things at once," says Debbie. "Yes, but whatever I was doing would be done perfectly," Noel interjects.

The point made by the course organisers is that neither the male nor female approach is right or wrong. "Conflict between males and females in inevitable," says Cora Lambert. "But what is needed in a long term relationship is tolerance, an appreciation of the other's way of doing things."