Trailer park cuisine

Booking the cooks: OISÍN DAVISstirs with the stars

The Trailer Park Boys:

CONSIDERING THE amount of prison time these lads have chalked up, it’s remarkable that The Trailer Park Boys were granted visas to come back to Ireland. But not only are Ricky, Julian and Bubbles booked in for a triple night stand at The Olympia very soon, they’re bringing along some merry cohorts with them, Randy & Mr Lahey, otherwise known as Canada’s favourite drunkard couple.

I caught up with the three boys recently to see what manner of devilment they’ve been up to and to chat about their big loves from the underappreciated gastronomic world that is Trailer Park Cuisine.

Living in an automobile is a lifestyle choice which Ricky has become so accustomed to, that when he tries to get some kip in a bed, he can’t actually sleep and has to go back to his car again. But at least it keeps him close to his market gardening operation, which is still going very well, even with some setbacks like the occasional cop bust and wild animals eating his harvest. He’s keen to keep it up as a family tradition and teach the tricks of his trade to his teenage daughter Trinity, as soon as they both get their grade 12 though.

While his fellow Sunnyvale resident and arch enemy Randy, may be the uncrowned barbecued cheeseburger king of the Park, Ricky is a dab hand at cooking other meats al fresco. Especially pepperoni and chicken sticks. While Ricky did not go into much detail with this dish, he does stress that its flavours can be enhanced but advises against imbibing any liquor with it, as that would, in fact, kill your taste buds. Said with a true respect for his food.

MACARONI AND CHEESE WITH M&M’S

When it comes to the ultimate Trailer Park dish, the one meal that really gets Bubbles going is macaroni and cheese. Nobody else in Sunnyvale makes it better than Bubbles. He likes it plain, or with bacon, and sometimes he’ll pimp it up with a certain well-known chocolate confectionery snack . . .

* 1 packet of macaroni pasta

* 12 slices of Easi-single cheese

* 1 tablespoon of butter

* 1 large packet of M&M’s

METHOD:Boil the pasta in a big pot, preheat your oven to 180 degrees. Slice the cheese into little bits.

When the pasta is done, strain it and then throw it into a baking dish Mix in the cheese and butter and stick in the oven for 10 minutes.

Sprinkle with M&M’s.

DEEP-FRIED TRAILER PARK TURKEY

* A 10lb turkey

* 3 litres of peanut oil

* 3 tablespoons of salt

* 3 tablespoons of pepper

* 3 tablespoons of garlic powder

METHOD:Get an extremely large pot or even a discarded oil drum and fill it up to 75 per cent of its capacity. Do NOT go over 75 per cent. This could lead to the aforementioned domestic fire incident after you've placed the bird in. While that's heating up, pat the bird dry and smother it inside and out with the salt, pepper and garlic powder.

Very carefully place the bird in the hot oil and cook for about 35 minutes.

As any fan of the TV show or Trailer Park Boys movies will tell you, the lads don’t get on at all with Randy and Mr Lahey. This, of course, will mean that going on tour with them should be especially interesting and will surely test Bubbles’ well documented peacemaking skills to the absolute max. He is not optimistic either, as Lahey’s alcohol consumption has actually been getting worse. “The last time I saw him, he was eating liquor ball sandwiches.” Never a good look.

Bubbles’s sideline business – “Kittyland” cat daycare – would appear to be thriving. So much so that in the spring he hopes to have enough money to add a second level on to the shed he lives in to “accommodate guests”. Should you ever be lucky enough to be welcomed into his home, bear in mind that you may be sharing some space with one of his cats. At any given time, he has more than 60 of them.

BARBECUED CHICKEN STICKS PEPPERONI

* 1 packet of frozen chicken sticks (no particular brand was specified)

* 6 pepperoni sausages

METHOD:Steal Randy's barbecue, fill with stolen propane and fire it up. Chargrill the chicken and pepperoni and serve with your choice of ketchup, barbecue sauce or more homemade garnishes. Or even all three.

Very much the wheeler-dealer and ladies’ man of their gang, Julian has got what he reckons will be a sweet little earner planned for his arrival on Irish soil. He has procured a large boat that he has filled with exceptionally cheap potatoes which he will distil to make poitín.

This will, of course, be sold to us booze-loving locals and perhaps dished out as freebies to his female fans, who he has told me, he is very fond of. Apparently, when compared to Canadian girls, the Hibernian lassies are a lot more relaxed and understanding when it comes to allowing him to hang out ’til dawn with his mates. Julian recently dated a law-enforcement officer. When I suggested it was unusual for a multiple repeat offender (such as himself) to date a policewoman, he didn’t seem to see any issues. Supposedly the extra caution he had to exercise while in her company was well worth it as “hot cops are crazy in the sack”. We’ll take your word for it, Julian.

He also recommends being extremely cautious when cooking his signature Trailer Park dish, deep fried turkey. Such is the high chance of the oil overheating and bursting into flames that one in 10 trailers will burn down when deep frying turkeys at dinner engagements.

Not a healthy statistic for such an unhealthy meal.

* Trailer Park Boys bring their Dear Santa, Go F**K Yourselftour to The Olympia Theatre, Dublin, on December 12, 13 and 14 rockcookbook.com