'Need a woord from the woyiz, Rosser. There's this boord . . .'

Ronan’s old dear isn’t happy, roysh, but when the boy asks for expert advice on the deadlier of the sexes, what’s a man to do?

RONAN’S OPENING line is, “Rosser, you benny!” and I can’t help but laugh. He’d put you in good form straight away.

I’m like, “Hey, Ro, what’s happening?” “Need a woord from the woyiz,” he goes.

I might have mentioned to you before that I’ve been giving the boy a bit of advice recently on the old deadlier of the sexes – the one thing, aport from rugby, that I’d consider myself an actual expert on.

During the summer holidays Ro finished it with his ex, Blathin, who then put the word around Mount Anville that he was this, that and the other. Which, of course, sent his stock suddenly soaring. And having landed the role of Adam in Castlerock College and Mount Anville's joint Christmas production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers– well, as you can imagine, he's going through that school like a bad rumour.

He’s already got off with four of the seven brides, and of course I’ve encouraged him in these – I suppose – endeavours by challenging him to “go through the cord” like his old man did back in the mid-1990s.

His old dear isn’t exactly a happy bunny with me, though. One or two parents have been bending her ear about the way her supposedly hortless son has treated their daughters. And Tina rang me up then, swearing like a builder’s labourer – this was while I was at the All Blacks match – saying she didn’t want her son turning out to be anything like me.

Which hurt. So you can understand my, I suppose, reluctance to, like, get involved? “Look,” I told him, “that mouthful your mother gave me last weekend has me asking myself all sorts of questions. As in, am I the person you should even be asking about these matters?”

He’s surprised by that, in fairness to him. “Will you give your fooken eerse a rest and just listen. Alreet, there’s this boord, Pippa . . .”

See, that’s all I need to hear to boost my confidence again.

I’m like, “Pippa? Okay, is she one of the seven, Ro?”

“Yeah, she plays Liza. In anyhow, Ine talking to her the utter day, reet, arthur rehearsals? Using one or two lines you gave me. I swear to fook, Rosser, I was thinking, Ine in here, because she’s giving me all the signs you told me to be watching out for. The full eye contact. Hit me a couple of slaps as well . . .”

“Playful slaps?”

“Playful, yeah. In anyhow, I asts her out but she says she’s already seeing someone . . .”

“Well, seeing someone, Ro, is a lot different to going out with someone. In fact, I always took it as a green light. Who is this tosser she’s supposedly seeing?”

“He’s name’s Johnny Marcus.” “Sounds like a bit of a sap – although that might be me just being biased. Continue.”

“Well, in anyhow, Pippa’s supposedly seeing this Johnny Marcus fedda – and she’s arthur telling me that she likes me, but alls she wants to be is friends.”

“Birds use that line all the time, Ro. It can be translated in 100 different ways.”

“But then she says it’s her beertday this Sunday and she’s going out to dinner – wirra few friends.”

“Friends? Okay, I’m presuming Eddie Rockets.”

“Yo Sushi.”

I’m like, “Yo Sushi?” See, I keep forgetting it’s Mount Anville. “So what’s the Jack, are you going to go and put this Johnny Marcus joker under pressure?”

“Well, I made a few inquiries, Rosser, to find out was there any utter feddas in the frame.”

“Clever.”

“It turdens out that two of the utter brutters have ast her out as well – Benjamin and Caleb – and she’s invired them boat to her peerty as well . . .”

“She’s a player,” I straight away go. I just, like, blurt it out. It’s amazing, roysh, because this kind of shit comes, like, so naturally to me. “An out and out player, Ro. She loves the attention.”

“So I shouldn’t go, then?”

“What, and line up with all the other X Factor contestants? No way. She’s doing it for her ego, Ro. Gather you all around – all her suitors. They’re un-focking-believable, aren’t they? At any age.”

See, this is me, of course, in my element. I’m like, “Here’s what you do. Who else in the cast have you not got off with yet?”

“Er, Melissa and Anna.”

“In other words?”

“Well, they play Sarah and Alice.”

“Okay, who’d be the uglier of the two?”

“What?”

“Who’s the ugliest? Come on, you must be able to judge.”

“Er, Melissa, I’d probley say. She has a turden in her eye.”

“A turden?”

“Yeah. You never know if she’s checking you out or if she’s waiting on a Luas.”

“Well, fantastic. She’s hordly likely to knock you back, then. Okay, what you’ve got to do is, you’ve got to get off with her this Sunday.”

“Sunday?”

“At the exact same time that this Pippa is having her, I don’t know, sushi porty. I still can’t believe the focking cheek of the girl.”

“So why am I doing that, Rosser?”

“Because the first thing that Pippa’s going to notice is that you’re the only one of her, I suppose, fan club who hasn’t turned up.

“And she’ll think, er, what’s the deal there? What makes this goy so special? See, birds have this thing about dignity and self-respect in men – they like to try to take it away.”

“So then what?”

“So then you go into rehearsals on Monday as usual and you tell her you’re sorry you missed her porty.

“But call her by the wrong name. Do that as a general rule, by the way, with any girl you like. Call her Pamela, let’s just say. See, they take it as an instant challenge.

“So she’s suddenly thinking, er, he just got my name wrong? Why isn’t he into me any more? Then the word gets back to her – because it will, believe me – that you were with the other one with the honky eye.”

“But would she not be laughing at me for that, Rosser?”

“The last thing she’s going to find it is funny, Ro. If anything, she’s going to be humiliated. She’s obviously going to be thinking, hello? He blew me off for that freak of nature? And she’s going to have to try to be with you, Ro, if only for her own pride.”

Ronan just laughs.

“Rosser,” he goes, “you’re the fooken man, so you are.” And it might come across as big-headed, but I have to agree.