GIVE ME A BREAK:IN THE WAKE of Stephen Gately's death, some texters and twitterers were spreading horrendous rumours about him disguised as "jokes", writes KATE HOLMQUIST

One thing I have learned from gay friends is that far from the stereotype of metrosexual zen and zeal, being a gay man can still be very, very difficult.

Many gay men remain private about their sexuality, as they are entitled to be and, after the events of last week exposed how prejudiced many people are, they’re probably not sorry they keep it that way.

Liberals like to think that society accepts gay people now. I once naively tried to comfort a friend, who was feeling deeply depressed and alone because of the prejudice he had to face, by saying “surely people aren’t judgmental anymore. Sensible people accept gayness as part of the normal spectrum of sexuality”. He looked at me as though he expected any minute I was going to ask him to run up some curtains. I’m not a gay man, so I cannot possibly understand what it’s like to grow up in a homophobic society, but I can empathise. I can get angry.

The twitters, texts and worst of all, Jan Moir's column in the Daily Mailshowed homophobia is more virulent than ever. Moir turned the tragic sudden death of a vibrant young person into something sordid and suspicious through the language she used. She said all the right things about Gately being a talented "entertainer" – which sounded reminiscent of the day when black men were regarded as sub-human but Sidney Poitier and Sammy Davis Jr were OK. She implied all gay men are promiscuous, that they're congenitally incapable of commitment, that if they invite someone home it's only because they want to have kinky sex with them.

How could the outpouring of sadness and respect shown to Gately by his family friends and fans be for real? Surely, she seemed to be saying, his death wasn’t worth such mourning because he’d set himself up for an early death. I was reminded of rapists defending themselves by saying “She was wearing a short skirt – that shows she was asking for it”.

Gately was a celebrity, so the nastiness directed at him became public. But for 99.9 per cent of gay men, the nastiness is endured in private. Belong, a support group for young Irish gays, lesbians and transgenders, was formed partly in response to the problem of suicidal ideation in this group. It has a quote on its website from 18-year-old “Billy”: “There was stuff written about me in school, I was slagged going down the street, there was stuff thrown at me. I had to go to hospital in fourth year because someone pushed me off the stage. I had to move from that school to another one. I was bullied there as well . . . when I was in first year I had a bottle thrown at the back of my head and also had to go to hospital.

“Whenever I’d go across to the shop I’d just get slagged for being gay. I had to stand on my own, no one would talk to me unless they wanted a cigarette, or they wanted money”.

Gately was fortunate in that he gained acceptance within his circle of family and friends. The heart-breaking funeral in Sheriff Street on Saturday showed that. These people who loved him were not the ones spreading sick “humour” about his death with nary a thought for his grieving family and friends. But we’d be wrong to think the outpouring of grief has changed anything.

In reality, young gay men are still called fag, poof and queer. If such an insult is thrown at you enough times, it convinces you that you just don’t deserve the same respect as other people. You’re subhuman by virtue of your sexuality.

Homophobia can be internalised, creating a poor self-image, which is thought to be the reason why young gay men are six times more likely to commit suicide than straight young men.

Ireland has one of the highest rates of suicide amongst young men in Europe. Using drugs and alcohol to overcome social fears is also a serious problem among young gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders.

It’s not so long ago that Irish society was obsessed with helping young people to “stay safe”. There was a lot of emphasis on appropriate and inappropriate touching and on learning, supposedly, to communicate in healthy ways about sexuality.

A lot of good it did, when so many people have absolutely no respect for other people’s sexuality if it’s different from their own. Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender issues were left out of RSE programmes in schools. You can just imagine homophobes in the education system saying “we don’t want to encourage them do we?”. It’s the official method of pushing a boy like Billy off the stage.

As long as some gay men are marginalised, rejected, victimised and not allowed to marry or adopt children as couples, we are living in an intolerant society.

The only good thing to come out of the entire sorry episode, was the pro-Gately anti-homophobia Twitter campaign that forced advertising off the Daily Mailsite and showed there a few people around who have a conscience.