Gnomeo & Juliet

Directed by Kelly Asbury. Voices of James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Ashley Jensen, Stephen Merchant, Maggie Smith, Michael Caine, Jason Statham, Ozzy Osbourne, Patrick Stewart, Julie Walters, Hulk Hogan G cert, gen release, 83 min

THIS BEAST has been around almost as long as the Shakespeare play on which it’s not really based. Originally conceived as an Elton John jukebox musical for Disney, the project was kicked out the door when John Lasseter took over that company’s animation wing.

Following various rewrites (either too many or too few on this evidence), it has ended up as a shabby, compromised primer on what habitually goes wrong with mid-budget animation.

The promiscuous references to popular culture are exhausting. Most of the jokes would shame the Chuckle Brothers (“I’m not illiterate. My parents were married”). The 3D graphics look as if they were knocked together on a ZX Spectrum when the Goombay Dance Band were still in the charts. And so forth. What a waste of a decent concept, top-flight voice talent and a mildly chortlesome title.

As you probably don’t need to be told, Gnomeo Juliet details the forbidden love between two garden ornaments from warring families. The Nurse is a frog who sounds like Ashley Jensen. Tybalt sounds like Jason Statham. Paris sounds like Stephen Merchant. The lovers are voiced by Emily Blunt and James McAvoy. All that’s missing are a few theatrical knights and dames.

Wait, who’s this? It’s Dame Maggie Smith as the presiding Montague and Sir Michael Caine as the chief Capulet. Not since the 1970s, when stars gathered to flee sinking liners or sizzle in burning skyscrapers, have we seen this level of talent gathered in the same spot.

Perhaps Sir Elton John drew them to the project. As things have worked out, the former Mr Dwight’s tunes have been relegated to walk- on status: a chord from Rocket Man here, half a line from Don’t Go Breaking My Heart there.

It's not a little bit funny. It won't save your life tonight. You can see where this is going. DONALD CLARKE