Adam Rickett, Ann Lee, Charlotte Church, Martine McCutcheon, S Club 7, Groove Armada, Phats and Small, Shanks & Bigfoot, Spacedust, Wamdue Project, Fierce, Glamma Kid, Honeyz, Kele Le Roc, Jamelia, Beta Band, Death In Vegas, Gay Day, Unkle, Wiseguys.
No, it's not a exercise in better typing; it's the nominations for the category of "Best British Newcomer" for this year's Brit awards, to be held on March 3rd. What is wrong with this picture, pop pickers? Yes, that's right, once you take out the ones you've never heard of, then remove the musically inept and the pitiful soap stars (same thing, I know), you're left with only two, at a push three, acts worthy of consideration.
There's also a question of genre. How can you possibly square Death In Vegas with S Club 7? They cater for mutually exclusive markets and the only thing they have in common is the category of "Newcomer". The Brits, lest it need stating again, has more to do with creative accountancy than musical ability. It's all the sillier, considering that over the past few years the organising committee has gone out of its way to avoid the "Annie Lennox" factor. This was so named because, for what seemed like a couple of decades, Annie Lennox would always win the "Best British Female" category. All very well, perhaps, when she was actually releasing records - not so good when she was in semi-retirement and probably living in a big castle in Switzerland. The sweet irony here is that, the very year Ms Lennox and Dave Stewart have reformed The Eurythmics and brought out a new album, she's completely ignored by the judging panel. Laugh? I almost listened to one of her records.
Flicking through the categories, it seems that each is voted on by a different bunch of people. For example, "Best British Group" (Blur, Gomez, Stereophonics, Texas, Travis) sounds like it was submitted by Q magazine, whereas the "Best British Male Solo Artist" (David Bowie, Ian Brown, Sting, Tom Jones, Van Morrison) sounds like it was voted for by your uncle.
And what's going on with "Best British Female Artist" (Beth Orton, Beverley Knight, Gabrielle, Geri Halliwell, Melanie C)? There's only one person in there with anything resembling musical talent. (Just a note on Gabrielle - her new number one single features a sample from Knockin' On Heaven's Door - the first time Dylan has ever allowed anyone to sample any of his music - which is a pretty big deal. Shame the song is so bad.) Other anomalies: Macy Gray vs Britney Spears for "Best International Newcomer", and Beck vs Ricky Martin for "Best International Male Artist". It's one thing covering all bases, but asking people to compare chalk and Latino cheese is another.
The Brits Awards are loudly touted by the music industry as being representative of what is happening right here, right now. Leaving aside the casual point that the Mercury Prize makes more sense, as do, to a lesser extent, the Brat Awards, it's clear that if the Brits continue to try to touch all bases to keep all sides happy, they need to look at their selection criteria.
All they need to do is look at how The Grammy people organise their back-slapping bash. There, the nominations are broken down into Best Pop, Best Rock, Best Country, Best Dance, Best R'n'B etc; and while this can lead to some categories being called "Best Female Duet (while dancing) in The R'n'B/Dance Crossover (with a nod to hip-hop) Award", it makes a bit more sense.
At this rate, The Brits make the MTV awards look good.
