On the anti-Ghostbusters ape-people
The misogynist gorillas are not at all happy about Ghostbusters getting positive reviews
If you’ve been awake (and you’re half-interested in cinema) then you’ll have some notion that there’s been cultural disquiet about the new all-female Ghostbusters. A bunch of whining, half-brained man babies began splitting their nappies when news emerged that Paul Feig(later to be hilariously slagged as “Paul Fag” over and over again) was to remake the perfectly decent 1984 comedy Ghostbusters with a female cast at its core. Yes, idiots really did suggest that Feig was ruining their childhoods by allowing the feminists to mess with this supposed classic (honestly, it’s really not that good). Nothing was gained by pointing out that the awful Ghostbusters 2 had already done a job on the franchise’s supposed reputation. These chaps knew that the film was a plot by those awful “FemiNazis” to spoil everything that’s fun about being a fat moron. Look at the stills. They’re wearing actual boiler suits. (Sorry, this caricature probably dates from the 1980s)
Evidence that an informal cabal was forming to bravely thwart the monstrous regiment emerged when an admittedly so-so trailer hit the web. The YouTube clip soon became the most negatively reviewed trailer in that video-sharing site’s history. Are you telling me all those who clicked thumbs downward were upset because they objected to the beats in the cast’s delivery? There is, among so many male-dominated cadres, still an extraordinary terror of allowing women anywhere near their creaky treehouse.
It did look a little as if Sony was preparing itself for a critical pasting and a box-office debacle. The press screening was held back until a day before the film opened in these territories. This is not usually a good sign. My man FemiNaziHunter369 began licking Cheeto debris from his spongy lips. What do you know? The film turned out to be decent and it received correspondingly good reviews. Four stars from the Guardian, the Times and the Daily Telegraph. Three stars from this (slightly grumpier) reviewer.
You will have some idea what happened next. Thwarted by a Rotten Tomatoes score in the mid-seventies, the mob brought their burning torches to the Internet Movie Database and began repeatedly posting 1/10 scores. The movie was down to 4/10 within minutes of it opening in Europe. There was, at this point, a whole week to go before it arrived in the US. You don’t need to be Mark Zuckerberg to deduce that nincompoops who hadn’t seen the thing were bossing the voting. At time of writing, the brave rebels had Ghostbusters at 3.7/10 on IMDBb. Your great-grandfathers were fighting REAL Nazis at your age. Do you know that?
Meanwhile, the comments boards filled up with suggestions that Sony had paid reviewers to speak kindly about Ghostbusters. (Thank goodness. I’d just bought a Mercedes with the money Disney gave me for kicking the crap out of Batman V Superman. Now I can get a boat.) You may as well stick your head in a used lavatory and flush as heed these comments, but the paranoia and delusion is worth savouring. “First I’d like you to know I am all for a new ghostbusters, with a fresh cast of funny comedians,” a milder screed reads. “However, it is quite hypocritical and ironic that its director and studio chair have told men to F off, accusing us of being sexist misogynists if we don’t like it, when evidence points out that this film is Sexist TOWARDS MEN; with endless men bashing sequences such as castration.”
Oh shut up, shut up, shut up! What are you all so frightened of? What looming inadequacies cause you to be so terrified of a few tiny gender recalibrations?
Anyway, keep eyes peeled for an exclusive interview with Paul Feig in this place. Until then, just savour the madness. If you can.
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