Una Mullally

Society, life and culture on the edge

The Rain Failed to Dampen Spirits.

What if people actually spoke like how music festivals are reported?

Sun, Apr 21, 2013, 14:39


Punter: “So, how was [insert music festival with possible additional 'arts' element]?”

Reveler: “The rain failed to dampen my spirits.”

Punter: “That’s great. What about the other revelers?”

Reveler: “They also remained upbeat. Would you like to see some photographs?”

Punter: “Sure, something that would best illustrate the revelry, please.”

[Reveler shows punter 19 photographs of women in their 20s doing a lackluster can-can with floral and leopard print-motif wellington boots]

Punter: “Aha, revelers from South County Dublin showing off their pins. They seem festival fit. But it looks like there’s some mud on the ground.”

Reveler: “We came well prepared, so not even the mud could stifle our enjoyment of the occasion.”

Punter: “I presume the ground became noticeably firmer when the sun finally emerged from behind the clouds?”

Reveler: “Funny you should mention that, because that’s exactly what happened.”

Punter: “What were some highlights, just to name a few?”

Reveler: “Well [nostalgia band on mortgage/rehab-paying world tour] were set to headline on Saturday night.”

Punter: “And how did that go?”

Reveler: “The large crowd in attendance soaked up their hits, such as [forgettable 90s top 10 track] and [cover song] and [sentimental encore that reminded aging crowd of their fading youth].”

Punter: “I’m imagining a mass singalong to cap the electric vibe, but I just can’t picture it.”

Reveler: “Don’t worry, here’s a photo I took from the pit of hands outstretched with stage lighting illuminating their smiling faces.”

Punter: “That illustrates atmosphere. Presumably then you all retired to the campsite to rest your weary heads after a long day of revelry?”

Reveler: “Not so, many of us partied well into the night.”

Punter: “To soak up the late night atmosphere?”

Reveler: “Yes indeed. And also to enjoy the outrageousness of skinny men dressed in coloured lycra body suits [shows photo of skinny men in an assortment of coloured full-body lycra suits].”

Punter: “Zany.”

Reveler: “That’s festivals for you. The unexpected is always around the corner.”

Punter: “Collective experience.”

Reveler: “What you’re forgetting though, is that there were several camping alternatives to the tried and tested tent.”

Punter: “You’re kidding me!”

Reveler: “No, I’m deadly serious. Music fans could also choose from an eclectic selection of unbelievably overpriced options such as painted dog kennels and musty fabric yurts from slightly shifty external companies.”

Punter: “Boutique. Glamping. Other festival-related words I’ve gleaned from news reports.”

Reveler: “But it wasn’t just music on offer.”

Punter: “No?”

Reveler: “No, there were laughs from [comedians no one went to see], a lively and informative [panel of hungover journalists], and a play area for children.”

Punter: “Don’t you mean festival tots?”

Reveler: “Yes, sorry.”

Punter: “How diverse! Anything else?

Reveler: “Of course. There was also an environmentally conscious element depicted in an abstract manner.”

Punter: “But what could festival-goers do to keep their hunger at bay?”

Reveler: “There was an array of gourmet delights on offer, far removed from the dodgy chip van of festivals past.”

Punter: “[Reference to Feile / Self Aid]”

Reveler: “Ha ha. Memories and nostalgia.”

Punter: “Tell me this, which celebrities mingled in the VIP area?”

Reveler: “A TV3 news reporter, a 30-something male backbencher in a Radiators From Space t-shirt, and someone who used to present a gardening programme.”

Punter: “Wow. No wonder they couldn’t be tempted to leave the glamorous enclosure in order to mix with the great unwashed. What kind of perks could they avail of?”

Reveler: “Things such as [made up freebies that never materialise but are designed to fool public into thinking that VIP areas are something to be jealous of].”

Punter: “No recession there then. But what I really want to know about is the backstage gossip.”

Reveler: “Well, I presume you heard about [recycled myth about Grace Jones' demands.]”

Punter: “No I didn’t! How exclusive!”

Reveler: “And also [aging Irish musician] watched [aging Irish musicians] from the side of the stage for their eclectic set during which they mixed hits of old with some new and fresh material.”

Punter: “How many people were in attendance?”

Reveler: “An overly optimistic figure cited by the organisers who happen to be having financial problems.”

Punter: ” And was trouble kept to a minimum?”

Reveler: “Yes. In fact there were just a small number of arrests, mostly for drug possession for personal use.”

Punter: “So the gardai must have been happy that the event passed off peacefully and without any major incidents, then?”

Reveler: “Indeed, in fact [parochial garda sergeant on overtime pay] was delighted with both the gardai’s preparation and policing, and of course the cooperation of the crowd.”

Punter: “Probably because the music enthusiasts were in such happy and friendly spirits throughout the weekend.”

Reveler: “Yes, because everyone was completely wankered.” REDACTED

Punter: “Did anything actually dampen anyone’s spirits?”

Reveler: “Unfortunately the [rumoured act that actually would have been brilliant] failed to materialise. But in fairness to the great crowd, that…

Punter: “… let me guess, didn’t dampen their spirits?”

Reveler: “How did you know?!”

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