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  • irishtimes.com - Posted: January 2, 2013 @ 4:33 pm

    Things not to come.

    Neil Briscoe

    Well, the Mayan Apocalypse didn’t happen and neither (thus far) did the US fiscal cliff. So, in keeping with this tradition, here’s a list of things that (probably) won’t happen either…


    Although it was designed to replace the ‘unlucky’ number 13, the new 131 numberplate proves scientifically unlucky as all cars registered transform mysteriously overnight into Moskvitches.

    New Mercedes-Benz S-Class rumoured to be fitted with Elk seek-and-destroy system. “At last we will have revenge for the 1997 A-Class” a Mercedes engineer doesn’t say.

    Volkswagen buys MG. “We will turn it into the British Alfa Romeo” says VW boss Ferdinand Piech.



    All 131-plate Moskvitch models recalled for “un-Soviet thoughts” and “counter revolutionary activities.” Show trials due to begin shortly.

    Bernie Ecclestone seeks backing for a Grand Prix in Iraq. “The thrill of almost being shot at worked really well in Bahrain last year, so we think its going to be a winner here.”

    The safety systems on the new Mercedes S-Class are so intelligent that they have now replaced Brian Cox on Wonders Of The Universe.

    Volkswagen buys up the FSO brand. “We’re going to turn it into the Polish Alfa Romeo” says VW boss Ferdinand Piech.



    Renault revolutionises the MPV market by creating the first double-decker, 14-seater Grand Scenic. Irish sales are impossible though, as it can’t fit under the height restriction at the Dublin Port Tunnel.

    The safety systems on the new Mercedes S-Class are now so intelligent that the car defeats Gary Kasparov in a chess match. Kasparov retaliates by ordering an Audi A8.

    Volkswagen buys the defunct Studebaker brand. “We’re going to turn it into the American Alfa Romeo” says VW boss Ferdinand Piech from his orbiting space station.



    Following Hyundai’s payout to US buyers who didn’t get the claimed fuel economy from its cars, GM re-instates the Hummer brand to claim back money from owners who ever saw better than 12mpg from a H2.

    The safety systems on the new Mercedes S-Class are now so intelligent that Stephen Hawking is able to upload all his conscious thoughts to the ABS sensors.

    Volkswagen buys the oddball Japanese Mitsuoka brand, vowing to turn its range of Nissan Micra-based MKII replicas into “a Japanese retro sixties Alfa Romeo.” Ferdinand Piech is unavailable for comment as the mobile phone reception in his hollowed-out volcano is woeful.



    Fiat announces plans to create a seven-seat Range Rover rival, based on the Jeep Grand Cherokee. In keeping with current Fiat policy, it will use styling based on the 500 city car and will be badged 500 XXXXXXXXXL.

    Citroen, stung by criticisms that its new DS range is trading on former glories, decides to reintroduce the classic 1955 DS saloon. “Eh, we still had the jigs and presses around the back” says a spokespersons. DS brand sales quadruple overnight.

    Volkswagen buys up French quadricycle maker Ligier. “We’re going to turn it into a French Alfa Romeo for16-year olds on a moped licence” says a spokesperson for Ferdinand Piech, who can’t be reached as he has to stay home to let in the plumber to sort out the leaks in his underwater base.



    The Goodwood Festival Of Speed is proving so popular that Bernie Ecclestone decides to scrap the current Formuala One world championship and instead just have 20 rounds held at the Goodwood hill climb, with entrants free to run any car from any era. Stirling Moss instantly crowned world champion, driving a Maserati 250F.

    McLaren’s P1 supercar becomes the first car to travel fast enough to trigger time travel. McLaren boss Ron Dennis uses it to travel back in time to buy up Ferrari shares and mysteriously close the Italian F1 team and car maker down in 1966.

    Volkswagen buys up the Ssangyong brand, with a spokesperson claiming that the Rodius inspired them to begin turning the brand into a hideously ugly, seven seat Alfa Romeo rival.



    The arrival of the 132 numberplate reverses the curse of Moskvitch transformation by mysteriously converting all cars with the ‘plate into a boxy, mid-seventies Fiat luxury saloon. The Velour Allergic Society Of Ireland lodges an immediate protest.

    Audi follows Citroen’s lead by scrapping all of its current Quattro range and replacing them with a single two-door coupe model with a digital dash and five-cylinder turbo engine. Sales quintuple overnight but the Understeer Alllergy Society Of Ireland lodges an immediate protest.

    Quite aside from the transformation of all cars into Fiat 132s, the new numberplate system is having other effects. Three car dealers have been treated in hospital for shock with a medical report indicating that all three collapsed at the thought of “selling a car in July, to a real customer, not even hire-drive.”



    An unexpected heat wave sees Tarmac across the country melting. BMW responds by introducing a super-hard Summer tyre option.

    The safety systems on the new Mercedes-Benz S-Class are now so sophisticated that they are able to safely deliver Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby. As a gesture of thanks, the celebrity couple decide to name the baby ‘Servo-Assist.’

    Ferrari’s new F150 Hypercar arrives, but instead of the expected red paint and V12 engine, the first model is painted metallic grey and features an ultra-efficient 3.8-litre V8 turbo. McLaren boss Ron Dennis is unavailable for comment, with a spokesperson saying that “he’s currently in 1870 brokering a truce in the Franco-Prussian war.”



    The fact that every new car sold is now a Fiat 132 is having some oddly beneficial effects on the Irish economy. The weather has improved, for a start, and Irish restaurants are now serving better quality ragu than you’d find in Milan. On the downside, traffic discipline and the wearing of seatbelts have plummeted.

    The safety systems on the new Mercedes S-Class are now so sophisticated that they have achieved artificial intelligence and started referring to every driver as “Dave Bowman.”

    The 131-plate Moskvitch show trials end in disarray as the accused claim that the court is bourgeois and all cars are eventually spared the death penalty and exiled to Mexico. The Moskvitch badge is airbrushed from all price lists.



    Halloween causes a spate of car break-ins on the nation’s fleet of Fiat 132s as children seek material so they can trick or treat as the Star Wars character Chewbacca. The Velour Allergy Society makes George Lucas its Public Enemy Number 1.

    Dublin’s streets face serious traffic disruption as it is announced that the Luas is to be dug up and replaced with a new Monorail. “Is there a chance the track could bend?” runs the Irish Times headline.

    Following on from the Phantom and Ghost models, Rolls-Royce introduces a new saloon badged as the Zombie. Sales in Latin American quintuple, but the IBRC protests that it owns the rights to the Zombie brand.



    Ron Dennis’ time traveling exploits have been so successful that everything is now painted grey, with an orange stripe, and we’re all sponsored by Vodafone. He seems unable to do anything about the Fiat 132s, though.

    The safety systems on the new Mercedes S-Class are now so intelligent that they have begun to make robotic bodyguards that can jog alongside the car at speeds of up to 250kmh. Hollywood director James Cameron protests at the trademark breach, but mysteriously disappears in a ball of blue light.

    Volkswagen buys the old East German DKW brand, vowing to turn it into a two-stroke rival to Alfa Romeo.



    With all the 131-plate Moskvitches exiled to Mexico, the Fiat 132 ends the year as the best-selling car and the Irish Car Of The Year. Next year, either the Sri Lankan version of the Toyota Corolla or a 1967 Volvo is expected to scoop both accolades.

    Mercedes tries to shut down the safety systems on the new S-Class but can’t as the active cruise control has now worked out the nuclear launch codes and is threatening to unleash Judgement Day. Arnold Schwarzenegger is unavailable for comment.

    Volkswagen ends a busy year by buying Alfa Romeo from Fiat. A spokesperson says that “We’re going to turn it into an Italian rival for… Hang on, wait, what? Oh bugger…”

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