TV View: William Porterfield showed us how gutted he was

Toast marmaladed, tea brewed, all set. And it was bucketing down in Dharamsala. As starts to Sundays go, it wasn’t the best.

Sky apologised, even if the conditions weren’t entirely their fault, but the bulk of the sympathy had to go to Ed Joyce and Kyle McCallan who’d were up before the dawn cracked to be on punditry duty. And then had to stand at their breakfast bar for an age before the Dharamsala heavens closed. It was Ireland’s second dead rubber in two days, following the rugby rumpus with Italy on Saturday, our cricketing defeat to Oman earlier in the week and the Monsooned-off tie with Bangladesh rendering this Twenty20 tussle with the Dutch close enough to not mad important. Still, you like to go out a high, but that wasn’t even to be, the match reduced to six overs which meant before your eye was in you were heading for the airport.

Captain William Porterfield was understandably gutted when he spoke to Rameez Raja after the match, Rameez not helping by asking: "Ireland! Why and how?!" William tried to explain that sometimes sporting things aren't explainable, they just happen and you have to move on, which, as it happens, was the gist of Kieran Kingston's chat with Setanta on Saturday evening after his Cork hurlers were Kilkennyized at Páirc Uí Rinn.

“Typical Kilkenny,” he sighed, not even Cork’s tribute to the women (and men) of 1916, with those lovely blue jerseys, helping them repel Brian Cody’s Crown Forces after the Rebels had taken a sizeable lead. Like the HMS Helga advancing menacingly up the Liffey before flattening the rebellion, John Power knocked over a point that robbed Cork of liberty from a relegation play-off.

Only Maria Sharapova looked paler than Kingston all week, as she clasped her heart on our telly screens while explaining how easily athletes can fail to spot emails warning about ****BANNED SUBSTANCES****.

Plausible defence

Some, cynical enough to doubt that perfectly plausible defence, about failing to spot emails warning about ****BANNED SUBSTANCES****, have argued that Maria’s career has hit an iceberg, but if you think that might be fatal, consider Mark Lawrenson’s offer of hope to Newcastle fans after the appointment of Rafa Benitez: “It’s like the Titanic, someone will eventually turn them around.”

Some, of course, would argue that when you’re 12,500ft under water, all the turning around in the world won’t make an irretrievable situation retrievable, which is what some mean people say about Michael Owen’s co-commentary career on BT Sport.

“I wouldn’t like to say who has edged this half,” he said as the half-time whistle loomed in yesterday’s FA Cup game at Old Trafford, to which the universe replied: What the flip are you being paid for, then?

That was a reasonable enough query to a man who will forever be haunted by ‘when they don’t score, they hardly ever win’, Owen adding to his Hall of Fame entries yesterday with “if Rojo wasn’t left footed I’m sure he’d have used his right for that”.

‘Huge doubt’

And: “Will West Ham win the

Champions League

if they’re in it? It’s a huge doubt.”

It is, but then again, with Dimitri Payet on board, you'd never know, himself and Riyad Mahrez making this bonkers English football season a thing of complete loveliness.

Paul Scholes, back on Manchester United-watching duty for BT, having had the look of a man, after witnessing their Anfield capitulation, who’d prefer to stroke Donald Trump’s hair than watch them all over again, reckoned David de Gea should have saved Payet’s free. And some people call him humourless?

Full-time, 1-1, and there was van Gaal telling BT his team deserved to be saluted for their spirit, like they were Dagenham and Redbridge taking on the Brazil of 1970. After that, there’s one thing Louis shouldn’t do: open his emails.