The old man is holding court in the middle of the No 27 bor – out of his bin, of course – going, “More Champagne . . . Judge, you’ll have another g(...)

I ask Honor to check my text messages, because it’s one thing I never do while I’m driving – and anyway I’m only two points away from losing my lic(...)

(...) ends up being Helen – as in, my old man’s second wife? “Ross,” she goes, “it’s about your father(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

I never thought I’d see my teenage son back in nappies. I say it to him as well and he looks at me like I’ve just questioned his manhood. “It’s not(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

(...) wouldn’t know what to say to her if I did.” I’m like, “Hmmm.” And that’s when she goes, “Ross, what(...)

(...). He’s like, “It was advertised! Look, Ross, you were the one who picked a fight with this crowd. And(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

So I’m showing three couples a house in Stoneybosher and I’m driving along the quays, practicing my spiel for them: “A great opportunity for a plumbin(...)

‘You’re very quiet this morning,” the old man goes. “I asked you a second ago if you thought Merkel and Hollande should send troops into Greece as a w(...)

(...) has to go, “Yeah, BGT is Britain’s Got Talent, Ross. The actual acronym is LGBTQ.” I’m like, “Well(...)

(...) open-minded of you at last.” She’s there, “A lot of married couples do it, Ross. Life is, like, so(...)