Illustration: Alan Clarke

Honor asks what the fock we’re doing here. There’s literally no Christmas cheer in the girl, even though it’s only however many days to go until th(...)

(...) rock on which capitalist economies are built! Young Ross there will tell you – when he was still a mere(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

(...), “Ross, something terrible has happened!” and her voice is all, I don’t know, shrill? “Let me guess,” I(...)

(...) leather-bound copy of Alastair Campbell’s diaries…” “He was pissed,” I go. The old man’s there, “Ross(...)

Thirty seconds later, she appears at the top of the escalator, looking like Brad and Angelina’s nanny, the kids following three or four steps behind her.

(...) goes, while we’re waiting for her to appear, “who are all those children, Ross?” All I can do is(...)

(...) said for complete and utter ignorance.”“I mean, I asked her straight out – you heard me, Ross – was(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

Street.I’m like, “Yeah, no, I’m Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?” and I have a little smile to myself. I always(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

(...) goes, “Whatever you want, Ross, it’s my treat.”And I’m like, “Why does that even need saying(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

(...) cold. It’s like, “Hi, Ross, this is Claudia - as in, like, Claudia from the other night?”In the back(...)


(...)?” she goes, looking me up and down.I’m like, “Yeah, no, I’m her son? The name’s Ross.”Wendy’s like, “Her(...)