With Sorcha away at a Himalyan spa near Drumshanbo, experience tells me to be definitely wary of my daughter Honor

'The old man, Hennessy and Kennet all just stare at me – in, like, total awe? That can happen sometimes – I’ll say shit that’s accidentally clever.'

I’ve hordly ever seen the old man this excited about something non-rugby related

The black eyes? “It was a bit of rugby banter in Kielys between me and a dude from Gonzaga, which spilled into violence, which then spilled into handshakes, pints all round and an agreement to respect each other’s traditions and way of life,” I told him.

The bridesmaids are like zombie-movie extras who did their own make-up on a moving bus

Grievous Bodily Horm just laughs when I explain why I’m leaving his wife’s hotel room

I give her one of my looks. I’m like, “You know, you’re a very attractive woman, Malicious.” She’s not, by the way.

Cleaning up the mess from Ronan’s latest fling means putting my body on the line

“Sorry, who put this obvious lunatic in charge of the country?”

No wonder Varadkar is saying ‘in Ireland it no longer matters where you come from’

“Being able to look people in the eye while lying to them is the first skill that I wrote down on my LinkedIn profile”

That’s not a question you want to hear from a well-known gangland criminal

Sometimes the best advice we can give our children is the most blindingly obvious

I love my daughter and I would defend her to death, even though I know deep down there’s something probably wrong with her

Ross O’Carroll Kelly: ‘The boom is back, but this time the decking will be composite’

Ro and the wife of a gangland criminal are going at it. We’re all focking dead

Ronan got to see four of what they call The Big Five – the ex-pat Irish criminals the gordaí would most love to put behind bors

I’ve been stealing client files from the Hook, Lyon and Sinker office for the past few weeks with a view to hopefully setting up my own estate agency

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: This one could last six or seven years if we all stop asking questions

“I tend to look for any crumb of comfort – like, for instance, this is the first time in about four years that we haven’t been advised to have legal representation present.”

It’s parent-teacher day at Honor’s school - the day I hate more than possibly any other

Forget the housing bubble, the return of the stag weekend in Europe will be all the proof we need that the Celtic Phoenix is an ac(...)

I was like, “Remember you bought that camel for a family in Burundi? That shower were writing to you every second week asking you to throw in a goat and a few chickens.”

The one day we never mork in this house is April Fool’s Day. And there’s a very good reason for that

I was like, “Remember you bought that camel for a family in Burundi? That shower were writing to you every second week asking you to throw in a goat and a few chickens.”

Shadden and Ronan have signed up for ‘Don’t Tell the Bride’ – much to Sorcha’s disgust

I stare at the old man over the top of my pint and I go, “The dude is wiping the floor with you in there. It’s hilarious seeing you get your final comeuppance.”

It seems Denis O’Brien and Donald Trump have a problem with my old man’s hair

The old man is in court over that wig he’s been wearing – guess whose side I’m on

‘As a country, we’re nearly back to where we were in ’03’

I may have a rugby brain but even I understand what the Celtic Phoenix looks like

It’s lovely to see one of my own qualities reflected back at me in one of my children

The old man rings me up the other night and he storts banging on Meryl Streep’s movies to me – critiquing her acting.

O’Carroll-Kelly snr is convinced National Security Agency is monitoring his phone calls

I say it every year. I can’t go through another championship sitting next to the old focker

“These days, of course, parents don’t need to tell their kids about The Bogeyman, because they have the President of the United States of America.”

Honor has found a new hero – the scary orange man in the white house who has taken over the planet

“I made a huge success of the old man’s shredding company before I unfortunately ran it into the ground. And anyway, I’m pretty much already running Hook, Lyon and Sinker as it is.”

Ross has announced he’s going into business, but Sorcha is not sure he’s up to it

I’m there, “Sorcha, are you honestly telling me you don’t think she’s spilling out of the top of that dress.” Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, I have no idea what you’re even talking about. She just looks normal to me.”

Sorcha and I meet Fionnuala for ‘supper’ and she reveals a big surprise at the dinner table

"All those prophets of doom who said we would never again make the mistakes of the Celtic tiger era have been proven well and trul(...)

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “I’m going to show my daughter how to have some good old-fashioned family fun at Christmas time”

To ensure my daughter enjoys relations visiting at New Year, I decide to play a game

“I’m just glad the last thing he saw was Ireland’s first ever victory over the All Blacks”

Ross is willing to ‘prepare’ Christmas dinner. Until ‘Henshaw’ takes an interest in rugby

Sorcha scribbles it down. “Do you know what the most amazing thing is?” she goes. “I have direct debits with two of these charities!” Which, in layman’s terms, means that I have direct debits with two of these charities

As Sorcha explains Christmas is all about giving, Ross wants to know at what cost

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “The judge has to at least look like he took it seriously before delivering you the inevitable kick in the knackers in the New Year”

Getting linguistically decorative in an attempt to prove the Irish Constitution is unconstitutional

‘I thought I was going to be sick from all the brandy you’ve been feeding me. But it turned out to be just a belch’

The old man and Hennessy are ‘preparing’ for their day in court with some brandy

Ronan has a favour to ask Ross – and a cover-up he needs some help with

“Hennessy and I are preparing a tender for a project,” he goes. “How many of those blocks do you think we’d need to build a wall? Height, 12 feet. Depth, four feet. Length, oh, about the length of the border between the United States and Mexico.”

The old man is thinking about building a wall – and that new wig looks awfully familiar

Tonight, there’s, like, a ceasefire. Because Ronan Masters has got engaged. “Are you habben a good noyt?” I hear a voice go. I turn my head and it’s the man himself

Sorcha puts on a good act. But then she’s a true south Dublin girl

In an effort to talk his way out his cheating ways, Ronan acccidently asks his girlfriend to marry him

“You didn’t, you know, score some young one – maybe someone you met in the student bor?”

Ross has caught Ronan out in a lie – but it might not be the best time for a father/son chat

“Connacht are really struggling this season. I think Leinster should move in while they’re weak and pick off their best assets. As my old man says, that’s how it works in business.”

Sorcha’s plan to have me date Sunneva is all well and good, but’s it’s hard to concentrate with the rugby on the telly

I tell Sorcha: “I literally can’t believe you’re asking me this. It feels like you’re.”“What?” “I’m going to use the phrase ‘pimpi(...)

‘Don’t set the bor too high for yourself early on – and I mean that in every area of your life – because that’s what people will expect of you all the time.’

‘Matter of fact, I never went to a single lecture the entire time I was here’

I’m there, “Can I just point out, Ronan – again, not trying to sway you either way – but Hennessy here is basically a gangster.”

To tell you the truth, I’m only here to stop my old man getting inside Ronan’s head

‘We had another cease and desist letter from Taylor Swift’s people last week for some of the things Honor has been saying on Twitter’

There’s a new ‘Safe Zone’ set up in Honor’s school – not that she’ll ever need it

An extract from 'Game of Throw-ins' by Ross O’Carroll-Kelly, published by Penguin Ireland on 1st September

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Paul Howard was collared by one UCD student who was convinced the column was written by Brian O’Driscoll. Illustration: Alan Clarke

An extract from 'Game of Throw-ins' by Ross O’Carroll-Kelly, published by Penguin Ireland on 1st September

Ronan: ‘It’s joost precaution eddy. It’ll be the utter fedda going to the hospididdle in addyhow’

Ronan has a big fight ahead, but Ross is keeping his eye on a different battle

Father Fehily used to say that the race doesn’t go to the fastest - it goes to the smartest

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “Are you saying it was . . . the Placido Effect?”

Rosser’s drug-fuelled preparations have been thrown into disarray - but Ronan has a surprise to spring

Taking on Garret in Toronto is the only way to wipe that moustache off his face

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I didn’t hear him arrive. Or maybe I did and I’ve forgotten. If the gear the Russians are on is anything like this, they’ll probably forget there even is an Olympics – problem solved’

Those pills I bought at the gym are great: no side-effects – apart from rapid hair growth and hallucinations

 I hop into the cor and I drive home. I meet Sorcha in the hallway, dragging her IV drip stand behind her. She’s obviously having a late lunch

I race up the stairs, pull down the Stira and clamber into the attic. I flick the light and that’s when I see it...

Supplements? Okay, I have to admit, that doesn’t sound as bad as drugs. What do they do?

God, I haven’t been in a chopper in, like, years. Do you remember when getting a helicopter was like getting a taxi?

Ross is shocked to learn his father and Hennessy are opening Ireland’s first private prison

He’s got the Rocky theme tune blasting out and he’s concentrating hord on breaking the dead animal’s ribs

Ross’s decision to enlist Ronan to help with his training may have been a bad move

“Oh my God,” she goes, “the state of you. You’re not going to be able to run 10 kilometres. You’re bursting out of those shorts, by the way. You’ve an orse like a rhinoceros.”

Ross’s attempt to prove his prepartions for Toronto marathon are on track end badly

Honor refuses to go to Toronto in case she comes back sounding like she’s from Bray

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: “You’re in luck, because being a good role model is one of the things I’m genuinely amazing at.” Illustration: Alan Clarke

Someone pushed JP down the stairs and now he has asked Ross to run his estate agency

‘She says the Women’s Mini Marathon is South Dublin’s equivalent of The Twelfth – where the fit get to lord it over the unfit in t(...)

An oxymoron? Don’t ask me. There’s very little going on in my head. A monkey dressed as a butler. Holding a tray. Waiting for instructions. Blinking

I look at his old man. His eyes are full of tears. ‘Dude,’ I go, ‘you don’t need to listen to this’

She plays on through the scene where Maria, the girl from the Catholic Gaelscoil, falls in love with Tony, the heathen boy from the mixed school where the children are taught to respect all religions

‘South Side Story’ is my daughter’s modern, south Dublin take on the original, exploring the gang rivalry between the children fro(...)

Sorch tells me today is our wedding anniversary. I’m there, “Er, yeah, no, I knew that,” wondering could I slip out to the petrol station to get her a cord

Let me see if there’s a delicate way to say this – there’s a lot more Sorcha than there is dress

Ross as an “ethical estate agent”

Estate agents don’t die – they just come back with pointier shoes.

He goes, “I’ve decided I want to be a solicitodder. To one of the big criminoddle famidies.”

‘You won’t regret it! You’re going to be a solicitor to one of Ireland’s leading criminal gangs!’

I used to think God put me on this planet to win Heineken Cups and Six Nations championships. I was wrong

We watch Honor’s little shoulders horden. She goes, “Excuse me?”I already feel sorry for Miss Pallister – for what she’s about to (...)

Saw the old man on ‘Claire Byrne Live’ the other night and I don’t think he looked well

Ross’s clients are “having trouble getting their heads around the fact that it’s no longer 2011 and the asking price isn’t necessarily the cost of the house any more. It’s the opening line in a conversation.”

“He’s squinting at me with deep distrust – like me the first time I saw the Obama Plaza”

South Side Story is a musical set in Dublin’s prosperous southern suburbs and explores the bitter gang rivalry between the children from Educate As One, a multi-denominational school in Sandycove, and Gaelscoil Naomh Eithne, a Catholic National School in Glasthule.

Positive feedback is another thing that children need. I should teach this stuff in a class

JP’s old man is sitting up in the bed. The dude looks horrendous. He’s as white as Oscars night and you’d find more meat on an egg(...)

Claire and Garret’s friend Saul wants to be called ‘they’ – are they for real?

If JP is crazy enough to think he can take the chest-bump out of selling houses, he’s crazy enough to do anything

Do you know what idealism is worth? According to the people of Dublin Bay South, it’s worth exactly 127 votes.

“You’re too much of an idealist, Sorcha. You look at the world and you think, ‘How can I make it better?’ whereas real leaders loo(...)

“I’ve always regarded business as being rather like the rugby scrum – there are unsavoury things that happen in there that we should all just turn a blind eye to in the knowledge that they are probably for the common good.”

‘Sorcha reaches for the envelope in front of her. The colour runs out of my old man’s face. He’s from that generation of men who w(...)

"Once the election is over, the government is planning to come down hord on people who haven’t paid their water bills... I can’t b(...)

I give them to the old man. Oh, he’s stitched her up here – he’s stitched her up in a big time way.

“Once Chorles discovered how highly the porty rated in the opinion polls, he didn’t want to discuss issues in case it alienated th(...)

I’m not drinking these days, Ross. I’ve got my allergies. I’m actually off everything. Wheat, dairy, alcohol, salt, then obviously sugar.

This is getting ridiculous, it's like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha'

“Thank God for women. Thank God for them. I hope one day we end up with a parliament with lots and lots of them in it.”

“I come from a generation in which, at the end of a meal, the men would repair to the next room with their Romeo y Juliettas to di(...)

I don’t know why parents can’t just call their children normal names, like Aednat or Summer or Maeve spelled with three or four Bs, three or four Ds and three or four Hs?”

The poor girl can’t even give her name in Storbucks without having to apologise and launch into this whole spiel about ancient Egy(...)

The three of us are literally just sitting around the living-room, looking at each other. “So come on,” Sorcha goes, grinning like a chimp with lockjaw, “let’s all talk.”

Sorcha’s New Year’s resolution is to get rid of the wifi and the TV and force us to actually talk to each other

‘I wouldn’t be one of history’s great thinkers. And, Honor, you don’t have a lot to say either, do you?’

Our eight-year-old Chinese exchange student Pang has taught me a lot: I’ll miss her

Then the two fighters are, I don’t know, summoned to the centre of the ring. The bell goes and we’re off.

I turn around and there’s some fat dude wearing a T-shirt with my son’s face on it. He’s there, “You must be veddy prouth.”And I g(...)

Five minutes later, up comes the old dear’s face on the TV. Pang gets a bit of a fright. It’s a 64-inch screen, in fairness to the(...)

And Pang goes, “Who is this ridiculous woman and how much has she had to drink?”

The old dear puts on her reading glasses and scrunches up her face. She’s there, “Are you absolutely sure it’s not Honor, Ross, be(...)

“Okay, can you not do that in front of my son?” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” wondering did I accidentally drop an F-bomb – as has been known to happen from time to time! “Talking about Jesus,” she goes. “My son is an agnostic.” I’m like, “Okay, what are they allergic to?”

You can’t have Christmas without Jesus. He was the one who storted the whole thing

You’re becoming hysterical, Sorcha – unnecessarily so, because it’s all in hand. As my chief whip, as well as long-suffering golf partner, I’ve told Hennessy to address the gender quota issue

On balance, I’d say it’s a pretty bad day for the human race when I’m the least sexist person at the table

The doctor is like, “That’s what you call parenting?” And I go, “Do you have kids yourself?” “No.”“Then you’re in no position to judge. You’ll find out yourself one day. They’re a living nightmare.”

‘So basically, we cook for her and we bring her to Dundrum Shopping Centre three times a week for light, exercise and mental stimu(...)

“I hope he sends you back to Blanchardstown in an ambulance.” Then he fires a plastic cup full of beer through the air and it explodes off the wire cage. “Calm down, Father!” Gorda O’Floinn goes. “It’s only a game!”

‘Dude, I can’t believe that what’s about to happen here is actually legal. It’s basically a bor fight, al fresco’

“God, I love Miriam Lord! Sometimes something will happen and I’ll be thinking, ‘Oh, dear, what’s our friend going to make of this(...)

I’m not a big believer in children smoking as a general rule, but in Pang’s case, it definitely helps steady the bubble in her mental spirit level.

Sorcha isn’t a big believer in lying to children. She says it shatters their faith in adult authority figures. But I’ve always see(...)

Ross needs a new car - it's time to take a trip to see his old man

 Gleesons of Booterstown Avenue. “This is a bloody well rugby pub!” Photograph: Cyril Byrne

I don’t think Hennessy was overstating it when he said this was ‘a clash of civilisations’

To talk Ronan out of mixed mortial orts, I’m going to have to speak his language

I’m there, “We could just leave her here. She wouldn’t know her way back to the Vico Road. Hopefully, they’ll just deport her.” Sorcha considers this for a surprising length of time, then goes, “No, let’s go and get her.”

Honor’s Chinese exchange has a conniption fit in the Villeroy & Boch section of Brown Thomas

Ability to fake sincerity in any situation is best thing about a south Dublin convent education

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