This is a Celtic Tiger robbery - do as we say and no one gets hurt


NEWTON'S OPTIC:FREEZE! THIS is a Celtic Tiger robbery! We have your money tied up where the police will never find it, so do exactly as we say and nobody gets hurt. Or if anyone does get hurt, the pain will be evenly spread.


Just go into work and follow our instructions. Yes, we know the buses are on strike. You’ll have to cycle in. What do you mean, you don’t have a bike? Didn’t you get one from the Department of Finance’s cycle to work scheme? Christ. Right, here’s the application form. And the rest of the forms. And a stamp.

Now go to work and put all the cash you can find into this bag. Yes, we know that will take several hours. You’re in the public sector; do it over lunch. But don’t raise the alarm or attract attention. As far as everyone else in the office is concerned, you’re just one more guy stuffing cash into a bag.

When you’ve finished, go down to the basement and start tunnelling. Yes, tunnelling. Think of it as a dig-out. We can’t have you walking through the middle of Dublin with a big bag of money, now can we? There are all kinds of criminals floating around out there.

Burrow under St Stephen’s Green, then turn north and keep going in a straight line. Okay, maybe not a completely straight line. There might be a few minor changes of direction along the way. Think of it as a bent tunnel.

Now listen to the next part very carefully because this is how you’ll be making the drop-off. Every mile or so, stop digging and poke a hole up to the surface. Then stuff some cash into your end of the hole and blow through it as hard as you can. One of our guys will be waiting above for a fountain of cash from a bent tunnel to gush out of a hole in the ground. He’s been told to expect it.

Don’t try tipping off the authorities or we’ll bury you alive. Don’t even think about crossing Swords with us. And don’t worry about undermining an old building or anything like that. There’s nothing built over any of the places where we want you to stop. Well, not yet anyway.

So carry on digging that tunnel, making whatever twists and turns you need to come out directly underneath our next gang member. You’ll know when you’re right underneath one of our guys by the increasing salt of the earth. But don’t dig too deeply around them or there might be a flood. And make sure you don’t end up digging around in a circle. We’re not the circle gang. We’re a completely different gang, although we may have robbed the same bank.

Stick to the plan and there’ll be no trouble, unless there’s trouble with the plan. All that digging could leave you feeling a little bit tender. But keep it to yourself, pal. We’re only interested in big tenders. Anyway, by the time you’ve blown all the money out of holes in the ground you should be somewhere near the airport. Our flight to Spain should be taking off just around then. If we see your head sticking out of the sand, we’ll give you a wave.