Jobless men rumble the secret lives of wives

Ireland’s unemployed husbands are finding their wives aren’t exactly thrilled about unlimited quality time

UH-OH. Side-effect of the recession No. 56 (b) – the wives have been rumbled. Like soldiers after a war, the casualties of the Celtic Tiger have come home and they don’t like what they see. Of the 418,000 people on the live register, two-thirds are men. Male dominated sectors like construction and finance have taken the brunt of redundancies.

Women have been insulated from the worst of the carnage since they had already retreated to the home full-time or took the three-day week, convenient safer jobs in the public sector, college, or set up their own low-risk small business: home-catering for one friend, counselling for another, or column-writing in my case.

I know a few high-powered female executives but the definite trend was that as women aged, they opted out of high-risk, high-pressure jobs.

Sometimes the corporate flight was the natural consequence of allowing a career to take second place to child rearing. Mostly, having gotten a taste of freedom from job pressures during maternity leave, the arguments for resuming full-time corporate slavery seemed weaker the longer one stayed outside the mainstream system. Children were a reason, but sometimes an excuse to get off the treadmill.

Non-mothers too, tired of the macho world of pointless testosterone-fuelled boardroom squabbles, left to pursue other paths that earned less money and less stress. Of course, the option of marrying a man with a good job helped broaden the options for women. But that’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to say out loud.

Anyway, here’s our dirty little secret – whether down-shifting or opting out – life is great. We are masters of our universe. Whether working from home or in the home, women have discovered the joys of autonomy. Not completely of course – bills still have to be paid, deadlines obeyed and the insatiable needs of children to be met. But there are no tortuous Monday morning management meetings, no hellish commutes, no power point presentations and no angry clients.

Now it’s all been ruined with these husbands hanging around at home. Leaving aside the financial strain, an alien creature has invaded the house. It reminds one of the soaring divorce rate among older couples in Japan where a retired husband shows up and a 30-year marriage ends. Ireland’s unemployed husbands may not be facing abandonment but are finding their wives aren’t exactly thrilled about unlimited quality time.

The joy of relaxing with a hot beverage between floor sweeping and e-mailing is considerably undermined by the obligation to negotiate every cup of tea or coffee with a newly present spouse. Minor errands and excursions have to be announced and justified. Independence is over and secret lives have been uncovered.

Just one unemployed husband I know complimented his wife on the life that was hitherto unknown to him. He offered to take over the chauffeuring of children to school and activities and is shocked by the pressure of keeping to the timetable. “I can’t believe she’s been doing all that and the housework all these years. She’s amazing.” That, needless to say, is the minority view. The others are considerably less impressed.

A recently redundant friend has discovered that his self-employed wife puts in fewer hours than he had been led to believe. “I thought she left the house at half-eight every morning, but she’s still swanning around at 10!” I’m pretty sure what he defines as swanning around is actually intense domestic productivity. “How do I make the hoovering stop?” another pleads. Oh dear.

The last thing an efficient housewife needs is the presence of a man who is irritated by cleaning or worse, offers helpful suggestions as to the better improvement of household management. You can see how otherwise stable relationships based on spouses spending most of their time apart are going to have trouble adjusting to daily companionship.

So what are wives supposed to do? Tread carefully. Producing lists of DIY projects and gardening jobs is tempting but we are dealing with sensitive souls. Of the men and women I know who have been made redundant, men take it much harder. Women see it as an escape; an opportunity to start something new whether it is minding their own children or retraining for a long abandoned dream.

Three women I know have been made redundant in the last month and each is delighted. They got good packages and see themselves as being set free rather than rejected. The men are not so sure.

Women resigned themselves a long time ago to being judged on non-revenue generation issues like the shine on their hair or granite worktop, so unemployment doesn’t affect their self-esteem as badly as it does men’s. Accustomed to being judged, by society and themselves, on their ability to provide, men have a harder time adjusting to a day without formal socialisation, structure or status. For those who defined themselves by their jobs, life with nothing to do seems bleak. The men who will cope best are those who realise that a valuable life can be lived without a monetary value being placed on it.

While they slowly come to realise what women have known for some time, the wives have to learn how to share their homes with their husbands. Make space for him, because he could be there for some time.

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