TV & Radio

‘Trump is sexiest not sexist’ and other alternative alt-facts

Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer from Trump’s inner circle are full of “alternative facts”. Patrick Freyne lists a few more

Speaking of big hands, Donald Trump has massive hands like tennis rackets or an elephant’s feet. His nickname is Donald “Big Hands” Trump around these parts

Patrick Freyne's face
Patrick Freyne
Mon Jan 23 2017 - 13:55
  • All those marching women claiming Donald Trump is "sexist" are actually saying Donald Trump is "SEXIEST". Learn to listen.
  • As numbers were invented by foreigners, we are reverting to Ye Olde American System of Numbering which consists of three numbers – One, a Smidgin and a Passel. Of course, elitist "scientists" have issues with this, saying they cannot do "science" with three numbers, but they have never been to the "real" America where Budweiser-drinking salt-of-the-earth types salute the flag and run their inherited property empires. Anyway, there was a Passel of people at the Trump inauguration - some say the biggest Passel ever - and those who dispute that with "counting" might as well be hoity-toity Frenchmen or "scientists".
  • Melania is thrilled to be here. Look, she's smiling. That is a smile. That's what a smile looks like now.
  • We are at war with Eurasia.
  • The faces on Mount Rushmore are a natural occurring phenomenon. We are not "adding" Trump's face to Mount Rushmore. It's happening naturally because God is pleased.
  • The God in question is not, of course Baal, but the good one, the American one. His name escapes me right now but I want to say… Wayne? (Is that right? It sounds right)
  • Don't listen to The Man in the High Castle. The Man in the High Castle is spreading disinformation and lies and will ultimately be rooted out and his newsreels destroyed. The Man in the High Castle is just a little name we have for CNN.
  • Wasn't Beyoncé's performance at the Trump inauguration spectacular? Let's give a big hand for Beyoncé and Bruce Springsteen and Prince, who also played.
  • Speaking of big hands, Donald Trump has massive hands like tennis rackets or an elephant's feet. His nickname is Donald "Big Hands" Trump around these parts. In fact, the phrase "let's give a big hand for…" was coined in honour of Trump due to his meaty graspers. At briefings we like to consider his salami like fingers and laugh in delight at how they shimmer in the sun. Sometimes we laugh in delight for hours and hours forgetting to enact the policies we promised.
  • Trump's tax returns are so beautiful that if you stare directly at them your face melts with joy like in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. That's why we can't let you see them and that's also why Sean Spicer looks like that.
  • Kellyanne Conway is looking at a ghost. That's why she is so pale and has an expression of horror on her face whenever we see her on television, it's because she can see a ghost. It's not because she has stared into the eyes of Trump and now can't find her soul.
  • Donald Trump does not have a small beak. In fact, he doesn't have a beak at all. He has human lips like a human. He just pouts them like a beak.
  • Okay, I realise I was a little confusing there. He's like a human because he is a human. Donald Trump is human (Jesus Sean, control the narrative).
  • Donald Trump is not a bloated duck, he is a human. A human man. Look, he's wearing a suit and it fits him very well. I feel like it's time to change the subject.
  • The Trump machine cannot be hacked by Russia because we have no computers and there is no such thing as Russia. Praise Wayne!
  • Even if we had computers they are very well managed by our digital security expert Alexei.
  • Now you're being silly. Why would Alexei be wearing a fake moustache? Fake news. Lying media.
  • There were five members of the Beatles. The fifth one was blonde. He was the best one. He had huge hands and had to have an especially big guitar. He has been removed from Beatles photographs by the dishonest media. That's going to change.
  • We are at war with Eastasia. We have always been at war with Eastasia. Eurasia is our friend.
  • There is no such thing as Barron Trump. Seriously, I don't know what you're talking about. A ghostly little boy that only you (and possibly Kellyanne Conway) can see? I think you're sixth-sensing extra Trumps. Sad.
  • The existing Trumplings, Eric, Donald and Trumpette are not mere vessels into which Trump will eventually implant his bloated, decaying brain thus achieving functional immortality. That is a LIE spread by the lamestream media. Sad.
  • Anyway, if it was true it would violate the "blind trust" by means of which America is kept safe from presidential looting and a looming kleptocracy and that would be terrible.
  • Trump has established a "blind trust". It's totally fine.
  • Trump's inauguration will not usher in a thousand years of darkness.
  • It will be way longer than that.
OffbeatUS ElectionBruce SpringsteenDonald TrumpIndiana JonesJesus SeanKellyanne ConwaySean Spicer