An oxymoron? Don’t ask me. There’s very little going on in my head. A monkey dressed as a butler. Holding a tray. Waiting for instructions. Blinking

I look at his old man. His eyes are full of tears. ‘Dude,’ I go, ‘you don’t need to listen to this’

She plays on through the scene where Maria, the girl from the Catholic Gaelscoil, falls in love with Tony, the heathen boy from the mixed school where the children are taught to respect all religions

‘South Side Story’ is my daughter’s modern, south Dublin take on the original, exploring the gang rivalry between the children (...)

Sorch tells me today is our wedding anniversary. I’m there, “Er, yeah, no, I knew that,” wondering could I slip out to the petrol station to get her a cord

Let me see if there’s a delicate way to say this – there’s a lot more Sorcha than there is dress

Ross as an “ethical estate agent”

Estate agents don’t die – they just come back with pointier shoes.

He goes, “I’ve decided I want to be a solicitodder. To one of the big criminoddle famidies.”

‘You won’t regret it! You’re going to be a solicitor to one of Ireland’s leading criminal gangs!’

I used to think God put me on this planet to win Heineken Cups and Six Nations championships. I was wrong

We watch Honor’s little shoulders horden. She goes, “Excuse me?”I already feel sorry for Miss Pallister – for what she’s about to (...)

Saw the old man on ‘Claire Byrne Live’ the other night and I don’t think he looked well

Ross’s clients are “having trouble getting their heads around the fact that it’s no longer 2011 and the asking price isn’t necessarily the cost of the house any more. It’s the opening line in a conversation.”

“He’s squinting at me with deep distrust – like me the first time I saw the Obama Plaza”

South Side Story is a musical set in Dublin’s prosperous southern suburbs and explores the bitter gang rivalry between the children from Educate As One, a multi-denominational school in Sandycove, and Gaelscoil Naomh Eithne, a Catholic National School in Glasthule.

Positive feedback is another thing that children need. I should teach this stuff in a class

JP’s old man is sitting up in the bed. The dude looks horrendous. He’s as white as Oscars night and you’d find more meat on an egg(...)

Claire and Garret’s friend Saul wants to be called ‘they’ – are they for real?

If JP is crazy enough to think he can take the chest-bump out of selling houses, he’s crazy enough to do anything

Do you know what idealism is worth? According to the people of Dublin Bay South, it’s worth exactly 127 votes.

“You’re too much of an idealist, Sorcha. You look at the world and you think, ‘How can I make it better?’ whereas real leaders loo(...)

“I’ve always regarded business as being rather like the rugby scrum – there are unsavoury things that happen in there that we should all just turn a blind eye to in the knowledge that they are probably for the common good.”

‘Sorcha reaches for the envelope in front of her. The colour runs out of my old man’s face. He’s from that generation of men who w(...)

"Once the election is over, the government is planning to come down hord on people who haven’t paid their water bills... I can’t b(...)

I give them to the old man. Oh, he’s stitched her up here – he’s stitched her up in a big time way.

“Once Chorles discovered how highly the porty rated in the opinion polls, he didn’t want to discuss issues in case it alienated th(...)

I’m not drinking these days, Ross. I’ve got my allergies. I’m actually off everything. Wheat, dairy, alcohol, salt, then obviously sugar.

This is getting ridiculous, it's like being on a spa weekend with Sorcha'

“Thank God for women. Thank God for them. I hope one day we end up with a parliament with lots and lots of them in it.”

“I come from a generation in which, at the end of a meal, the men would repair to the next room with their Romeo y Juliettas to di(...)

I don’t know why parents can’t just call their children normal names, like Aednat or Summer or Maeve spelled with three or four Bs, three or four Ds and three or four Hs?”

The poor girl can’t even give her name in Storbucks without having to apologise and launch into this whole spiel about ancient Egy(...)

The three of us are literally just sitting around the living-room, looking at each other. “So come on,” Sorcha goes, grinning like a chimp with lockjaw, “let’s all talk.”

Sorcha’s New Year’s resolution is to get rid of the wifi and the TV and force us to actually talk to each other

‘I wouldn’t be one of history’s great thinkers. And, Honor, you don’t have a lot to say either, do you?’

Our eight-year-old Chinese exchange student Pang has taught me a lot: I’ll miss her

Then the two fighters are, I don’t know, summoned to the centre of the ring. The bell goes and we’re off.

I turn around and there’s some fat dude wearing a T-shirt with my son’s face on it. He’s there, “You must be veddy prouth.”And I (...)

Five minutes later, up comes the old dear’s face on the TV. Pang gets a bit of a fright. It’s a 64-inch screen, in fairness to the(...)

And Pang goes, “Who is this ridiculous woman and how much has she had to drink?”

The old dear puts on her reading glasses and scrunches up her face. She’s there, “Are you absolutely sure it’s not Honor, Ross, be(...)

“Okay, can you not do that in front of my son?” I’m like, “What are you talking about?” wondering did I accidentally drop an F-bomb – as has been known to happen from time to time! “Talking about Jesus,” she goes. “My son is an agnostic.” I’m like, “Okay, what are they allergic to?”

You can’t have Christmas without Jesus. He was the one who storted the whole thing

You’re becoming hysterical, Sorcha – unnecessarily so, because it’s all in hand. As my chief whip, as well as long-suffering golf partner, I’ve told Hennessy to address the gender quota issue

On balance, I’d say it’s a pretty bad day for the human race when I’m the least sexist person at the table

The doctor is like, “That’s what you call parenting?” And I go, “Do you have kids yourself?” “No.”“Then you’re in no position to judge. You’ll find out yourself one day. They’re a living nightmare.”

‘So basically, we cook for her and we bring her to Dundrum Shopping Centre three times a week for light, exercise and mental stimu(...)

“I hope he sends you back to Blanchardstown in an ambulance.” Then he fires a plastic cup full of beer through the air and it explodes off the wire cage. “Calm down, Father!” Gorda O’Floinn goes. “It’s only a game!”

‘Dude, I can’t believe that what’s about to happen here is actually legal. It’s basically a bor fight, al fresco’

“God, I love Miriam Lord! Sometimes something will happen and I’ll be thinking, ‘Oh, dear, what’s our friend going to make of this(...)

I’m not a big believer in children smoking as a general rule, but in Pang’s case, it definitely helps steady the bubble in her mental spirit level.

Sorcha isn’t a big believer in lying to children. She says it shatters their faith in adult authority figures. But I’ve always see(...)

Ross needs a new car - it's time to take a trip to see his old man

 Gleesons of Booterstown Avenue. “This is a bloody well rugby pub!” Photograph: Cyril Byrne

I don’t think Hennessy was overstating it when he said this was ‘a clash of civilisations’

To talk Ronan out of mixed mortial orts, I’m going to have to speak his language

I’m there, “We could just leave her here. She wouldn’t know her way back to the Vico Road. Hopefully, they’ll just deport her.” Sorcha considers this for a surprising length of time, then goes, “No, let’s go and get her.”

Honor’s Chinese exchange has a conniption fit in the Villeroy & Boch section of Brown Thomas

Ability to fake sincerity in any situation is best thing about a south Dublin convent education

‘The birth of my children was the best non-rugby-related thing that ever happened to me. But my daughter moving to the other side (...)

There’s a photo of my old man with Hamilton, who is clearly thinking, ‘Who’s this knob?’

We run into the Mindfield area and over to where a humongous crowd is trying to squeeze itself into the tent . . .

“It’s not camping,” Sorcha tries to go. “It’s what they call glamping!” Honor whips out her phone. “I’m staying in Castle Durrow,”(...)

“Make it a good letter,” the old man goes. “One of your specials. Lots of forthwiths and hereafters and whatnots. That should wipe(...)

Illustration: Alan Clarke

'He’s actually more than that – although I probably will ask him for a couple of grand while I have him.'

... ‘Yeah, but a whole town that smells like Cavistons? Er, no thanks!’

. . . for something other than sleeping with her friends'

“I’d be very surprised if she looked well, Babes. I always thought the girl was bet-down. I hope that doesn’t come across as sexis(...)

‘Most of these conversations took place while I was in the cor, driving around like the proverbial blue-orsed fly’

Illustration: Alan Clarke

. . . one black, one Chinese and one a little bit Eastern Europeany’

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