Miriam Lord: Rats, fish and yet Enda can’t smell a thing

It is not widely known, but the first person a new taoiseach encounters upon entering Government Buildings after a general election is a doctor.

The doctor carries out a simple medical procedure which involves fitting a special peg inside the incumbent’s nose. It is not visible to the naked eye. This prime ministerial peg (PMP) immediately knocks out the wearer’s ability to smell certain things. It remains in place indefinitely. Boffins developed it specifically to guard against the harmful effect of rats and fish on the holders of high office. It is a very useful device.

Take yesterday in the Dáil, for instance. On two separate occasions, Enda Kenny relied heavily on his PMP. Micheál Martin brought up the strange tale of IBRC's sale of Siteserv to a company controlled by Denis O'Brien. It was sold off for €45 million, incurring a loss to the state of €105 million. Questions about the process have been simmering away for some time now, with Independent TD Catherine Murphy doggedly looking for answers.

Documents have now come to light which reveal that officials in the Department of Finance had serious misgivings about the conduct of the sale. The Sunday Times ran a front page story about it this week.

"There are huge potential conflicts of interest all over this deal" said the Fianna Fáil leader. "Let us remember we are talking about a company whose subsidiary, Sierra, went on to win the largest contract to install water meters and has now become a very profitable company in itself."

Martin wanted to know if the Taoiseach would initiate an inquiry to get to the bottom of this story.

Most people in the chamber could smell a rat. A dirty great big rat, which couldn't have stunk more had it fallen into a vat of Lynx on its way home from the sewer. The Taoiseach sniffed the air. Nothing. He would have to go off and get a bit more detail before he could give a satisfactory answer. Maybe . Micheál might table a question to the Minister for Finance. And no, said Enda, as the rat dabbed Chanel on its throat and reclined coquettishly on the ledge in front of him, he didn't read that report on the front of The Sunday Times.

Did nobody think to bring the story to his attention, asked Micheál. At this stage, the flatulent rat was snoozing in Enda’s breast pocket after a feed of rotten eggs.

“I don’t get the opportunity to read every newspaper article that’s written about matters of current affairs across the vast spectrum of various elements of the media,” declared the Taoiseach. (Which is why he pays people handsomely to do it for him.)

“This is all going on under your nose and you’re just oblivious to the whole thing, if we’re to believe you today. Oblivious!” shrieked Micheál, before the rat scuttled out. The Siteserv rat-pong lingered.

Judicial skirts

Next up was the Fennelly’s Skirts Affair. The Opposition was very concerned about the sewing of fish into the lining of Nial Fennelly’s judicial skirts, which the Taoiseach is currently hiding behind.

Enda sees nothing wrong with this and is fully satisfied and happy with himself on the issue of hiding behind the judge’s skirts, which are hanging in a large wardrobe in Government Buildings.

Apparently somebody, possibly sources close to the former Garda commissioner, sewed a heap of mackerel fillets into the lining after their man wasn’t sacked by the Taoiseach, who is unanimous with himself on this point. However, Enda has refused to explain what happened at a meeting between himself and two very senior civil servants which led to one of them paying a night-time visit to former commissioner Callinan’s home, who promptly, er, retired the next morning.

It’s very simple really. What happened at the meeting?

But every time that question is asked, Enda makes a run for Fennelly’s skirts and hides behind them. Thanks to his PMP, he can’t smell the fish.

Of course, he would love to tell, but he can’t because this would be in contravention of the skirts commission’s rules. But a report will be published some time.

Might it be published before the next election, asked Micheál Martin? Well. Enda wasn’t having that. “You’re actually calling into question the competence of a very fine judge here,” he told the Fianna Fáil leader.

“No, I’m not,” said Micheál. No, he wasn’t.

Gerry Adams predicted Enda would talk down the clock without saying much about his dealings with the commission. He was right.

Second time

Adams wanted to know what problem Kenny has with saying whether he was called a second time to talk to the judge.

Enda was not at liberty to say. That would be offence. “That’s patently untrue,” harrumphed Micheál. Why not just say what happened at that meeting?

Actually, said the Taoiseach, he wouldn’t have a problem with this except the Justice Committee requested that the matter be shoved into a Commission of Inquiry. What was a party leader with a majority on a committee to do? ”

“Nobody believes you, Taoiseach” shouted Róisín Shortall, as Enda brazenly defended himself from behind Fennelly’s mackerel infused skirts. All very fishy. Not that Enda cares. He can’t smell a thing.