Miriam Lord: Noonan leaves FG TDs rolling in the aisles

With the Taoiseach and Tánaiste elsewhere, Michael Noonan was minding the shop. The Fine Gael backbenchers sat back expectantly. They love him. Where everyone else might have seen the Minister for Finance taking Leaders’ Questions, they looked down and saw the political equivalent of Peter Kay gearing up for a bit of knockabout.

Noonan has only to grin sideways at the Opposition to send the FG troops into paroxysms. By the time he finished with Sinn Féin’s Pádraig Mac Lochlainn, oxygen masks had descended from above the Government benches and worried ushers wondered how many stretchers they might need for those deputies who passed out with the laughter.

In their eyes, Noonan had just demolished Mac Lochlainn and Sinn Féin’s economic policy with the deadpan expertise of an accomplished gag merchant skewering a heckler.

In the process he also drew a big red line across that party’s presumptions about going into government – lofty Sinn Féin won’t entertain suitors unless their “red-line issues” are addressed. But while they might believe they’re a great catch, “nobody is rushing to join you” observed Noonan, chuckling to himself in advance of what he was going to say next. The backbenchers were already giggling in anticipation.

“Putting down a red-line issue is like an aul fella walkin’ up and down the boundaries of the Ballroom of Romance sayin’ that he, he won’t dance with any of those women over there” he drawled, looking around at his footsoldiers on the verge of happy collapse.

“Nobody wants to dance with him!”

Cue unbridled mirth.

“Yer on your lonesome,” chortled Minister of State, Tom Hayes, turning an alarming shade of purple.

Noonan milked his moment. “Nobody wants to dance with him. That’s the position. So red lines – are ya jokin’ me!”

They were rolling in the Fine Gael aisles. Bernard Durkan tried to whoop but sounded like he was choking on a fish bone. That’s why they come into the chamber to hear him. Hardly hilarious stuff, but the Peter Kay effect had the backbenchers convulsed.

Thrilled

They were thrilled. But, then again, in the last three years they’ve had precious little to laugh about. Yesterday though, they came expecting a show. If comics are only as good as their material, they felt the famously droll Noonan was stepping into the spotlight this time equipped with a killer punchline – the latest economic growth figures. And there was a sense from his performance that he has been waiting a long time to deliver it.

Sinn Féin was always going to be at the other end of it. And it was Pádraig who took the hit. Standing in for Gerry and Mary Lou, he poured scorn on the usual bout of pre-budget “kite-flying by Ministers, shadow-boxing between Coalition partners about what’s going to happen and the sham fight again between Labour and Fine Gael.”

For the Opposition there is always a cloud to be found in the sliver lining. People need a break from austerity, Mac Lochlainn reminded the Minister. “Those figures give you the opportunity and choices to do the right thing.”

He urged him to help people who have suffered most in recent years and to change plans to implement the water charges.

“I’m glad the deputy has acknowledged the improving financial situation and the dramatic growth in GDP figures,” purred Noonan, as the backbenchers beamed.

Then he pointed out to Pádraig that his party “has opposed every single measure to get the country on an even keel again, and all those measures are the reasons why the economy is now growing.”

They were thrilled on the Government side. “And you opposed every single one of them,” harrumphed Noonan. “Every one of them,” they chorused from behind.

“You hoped to build a political movement on the backs of misery and failure in the economy. But the country isn’t failing, the country is growing again.”

Then the Minister moved on to Sinn Féin’s economic plan. Given that they wanted to abandon the measures brought in by the Government, where would they get the money to run the country? “I mean, who are ya going to nail, ya know? The rich? Yeah? Who are the rich?”

Business class

They were so busy laughing and admiring Noonan that not one backbencher thought of shouting across to Sinn Féin: “the kind of people who travel in business class?”

Across the floor, Joe Higgins and Richard Boyd- Barrett were apoplectic. Noonan was on a roll. In Sinn Féin’s world of economics, “income tax is going to get a desperate belt” and “personal incomes are going to get a desperate knock”.

He told them it would be impossible to construct a budget using their proposals.

“Go back to basics now that the economy is growing. You need a new model because what you are saying up to now is nonsense economics.”

The backbenchers were swooning with joy. “G’way Michael!”

Mac Lochlainn was quick to reply and quick to spot the weakness in what the Government Deputies saw as a brilliant performance. The Minister might thing he’s “at the Edinburgh fringe festival there, doing a stand-up”, he retorted, chastising the Minister “and all your fellow comedians behind you” for making light of the dire circumstances of many families.

He had a point. And Noonan recognised it immediately. “I’m making light of Sinn Féin’s pretend economics, that’s what I’m making light of.”

Then he said that Sinn Féin’s fully costed pre-budget submission suggested that “85 per cent of the correction in the finances of the country should be made by way of tax increases”.

Where was the €7 billion this would require to come from?

“If you want to be a serious force in this parliament, at least get background people who understand economics and can add.”

Despite themselves, the Government backbenchers decided not to cheer and carry Noonan shoulder high from the chamber.

The Minister was somewhat over the top yesterday. But he has those growth figures to bolster his case. And for once, the Government side had cause to smile.

When the water and property bills come in, they mightn’t be so happy.

But what’s seldom is wonderful, as they say.