Miriam Lord: Enda Kenny and the watery tale of man with two pints in his hand

You have to hand it to Micheal Martin. He can move fast when he puts his mind to it.

The Fianna Fail leader is sick to the back teeth with certain senior members of his parliamentary team washing the party’s dirty linen in public.

“Pathetic” is what he called them at a meeting in Leinster House on Tuesday night.

He has had enough of their “juvenile” behaviour and “lack of discipline.”

Are you listening, Eamon O’Cuiv and John McGuinness?

They weren’t in the chamber yesterday morning for Leaders Questions because Micheal told them to go and sit in the corner until further notice and “reflect” on their disgraceful carry-on.

This isn’t the first time the disruptive duo have annoyed their leader.

The arrival of a press release yesterday afternoon signalled that deputy Martin has finally decided to put manners on them.

It announced the imminent launch of “plans for a major crackdown on anti-social behaviour and disorder in Dublin.”

All will be revealed this morning on the plinth. However, we understand a team of carpenters have been working through the night on the instructions of the Fianna Fail leader and, once the lad comes back from Moore Street with the fruit, McGuinness and O’Cuiv should be in the stocks before midday.

It’s a bit of trot from Kildare Street across the river to Moore Street, but given the week that’s in it, Micheal felt it was the patriotic place to shop.

Furthermore, while it might have been handier to tip across for the message to Dunnes in the St. Stephen’s Green Centre, the Fianna Fail leader will not be crossing that supermarket’s threshold today.

Although he will be standing beside the threshold.

(Himself, it seems, and every second politician in Dublin.)

Micheal was very strong in the Dail on the planned one-day strike by staff at Dunnes Stores. He asked the Taoiseach if he supports the workers and their demands for fair play when it comes to arranging their working hours.

Companies such as Marks and Spencer, Tesco and Pennys can do this, but not Dunnes.

He wanted the Taoiseach to send a message to the company telling them their employment policy is lacking in “basic decency.”

These workers - the majority of whom are women - don’t have job security and cannot plan their lives because of the company’s alleged use of low hour contracts.

“It is like going back to the 19th century, and we’re celebrating the centenary of the Rising next year” said Micheal, wondering if Ireland is going backwards in terms of workers’ rights in some sectors.

As the Fianna Fail leader spoke, Richard Boyd-Barret rolled his eyes heavenwards and gave a wry smile. The Fianna Fail leader was snaffling his clothes.

“There comes a time when people have to stand up for basic decency” said Micheal.

RBB nodded vigorously, much as it must have pained him to agree. But he managed to get in a dig about Fianna Fail cutting the minimum wage.

“In this particular issue, I support the Dunnes workers” said the Taoiseach.

Gerry Adams wasn’t going to be left out when his turn came around.

“Ceann Comhairle, can I make it clear that Sinn Fein supports the Dunnes Stores workers and also the right of all workers to a living wage” he began, before pouring scorn on the Taoiseach’s expression of support for the Dunnes Stores staff.

The government, said Adams, has “an aversion to equality” and “stands with the elites and against citizens.”

Enda waved the latest employment figures at him.

Labour backbencher Michael McNamara repeatedly shouted “how many servants is Sinn Fein sacking in Northern Ireland?”

Gerry ignored him and moved on to the government billing people for their water while doing nothing about banks failing to pass on interest rate reductions to their customers.

“The government will be meeting the banks with an agenda of issues” promised the Taoiseach. That should have them quaking in the boardrooms.

He said the coalition had to reconstruct the banking system, but not it’s returning to profit.

“The point is that we did not fix those banks for the benefit of the banks, but rather, for the customers.”

The opposition nearly died laughing.

As for the water, Enda doesn’t think a charge of €1.50 or €3 a week is too much to ask people to pay for uncontaminated water and the modernisation of the pipe network.

So it was time for an anecdote.

“The man who stopped me with the two pints in his hand last week and shouting about the cost of water that he’s couldn’t pay for…” he began.

“Two pints in one hand?” marvelled Gerry, not unreasonably.

The Ceann Comhairle wasn’t in the humour for another of Enda’s folksy yarns.

“I’ll have to stop you now, and I have no pint in my hand.” Though he probably wished he did.

But there was not stopping the Taoiseach.

“And I said to him, what he was holding in his hands would pay for water for him - because I know him - for nearly ten weeks.”

(Was he saying the man could do with a wash more often?)

Mary Lou McDonald, who, like her leader, isn’t paying, shook her head. “Spongers and alcoholics” she snorted. “That’s how you see the people who won’t pay. How interesting.”

Back on the Dunnes Stores front, Sinn Fein announced later in the day that Gerry Adams, MEP Lynn Boylan and a number of party representatives are joining the strikers on the picket line this morning as a gesture of solidarity.

They’ll be at the St. Stephen’s Green Centre at 10.30am.

So we checked with Fianna Fail. Michael Martin, along with Dara Calleary, will be at joining the picket at 10am.

Then afterwards, they’ll return to Leinster House to throw stuff at John McGuinness and Eamon O’Cuiv in their major crackdown on public disorder and anti-social behaviour.