Miriam Lord’s week: Low-key conga to celebrate the end of days
And they said they wanted a low-key exit
Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore and Joan Burton, through the medium of interpretative dance, will show how the Coalition pulled the nation back from the edge of the cliff while seeking the path to recovery.
There will be speeches.
In a musical interlude, the Minister for Health will warble Dicey Reilly while juggling his deficit.
Popular duo The Howlin Noonans (backed by the Haddington Road Chorus) will perform a song made popular by tragic songstress Amy Winehouse: Back to Black.
When darkness falls, Army buglers will sound the Last Post while Mr Chopra removes his foot from the neck of the Irish people.
At the stirring sound of Reveille, a JCB will ceremoniously dump our crippling national debt in its place as the national flag is raised to full mast.
The Taoiseach will release a flock of pigeons to signify the heroic sacrifice that has been made by the citizens.
The colour party will shoot them down for distribution to the needy (New York Times please copy.)
Paddy O’Gorman will interview the citizens.
Finally, there will be a fly-past of jets carrying young emigrants to Canada and Australia.
The VIPs will then depart. Top-ups will be poured by the executives from the Central Remuneration Clinic at a reception afterwards.
Enda goes upstairs to his office to prepare for his speech.
Playing with fire: Enda’s big-night rivals
Enda Kenny has a tough television slot tomorrow night when he delivers his state of the nation address.
The BBC Sports Personality of the Year extravaganza is showing over on the other side, while he’ll be clearing his throat to begin his address as the dust is still dying down after the final of the X-Factor.
Some viewers may prefer to stick with Mission Impossible on Channel 4. Others may be confused as to which is the most authentic version of Mission Impossible – the movie or the economic task facing the Taoiseach and his ministers.
Enda’s script will be scrutinised by his opposition counterparts. They will get their chance to reply on Monday night. RTÉ has allocated them speaking slots before and after the two main news bulletins.
The technical group has chosen Shane Ross to appear on their behalf.
Enda’s last state of the nation chat met with a lukewarm response, partly because it came across more as a party political broadcast for Fine Gael than a non-partisan exchange with the people.
Two years ago, the Taoiseach said to them: “Let me say this to you all: You are not responsible for the crisis.”
But the following month, he took himself off to Switzerland to the schmooze the fat-cats at the Davos World Economic Forum and declared the reason for Ireland’s financial crash was “that people simply went mad with borrowing”.
What will he say tomorrow night?
It’s a pity Love/Hate has finished its run.
Because we hear Enda has been practising his state of the nation sign-off in the mirror all week. His handlers are trying to dissuade him from doing it.
Go on. Just do it.