Miriam Lord: Beaming buddies promise us a Hollywood ending

Ministers will be on message from now until the general election, so get used to it

For years they swayed in a vicious wind on the edge of a cliff, staring into The Abyss. When they weren’t clinging on by their toenails, they were busy fighting on The Front Line.

It's been an exhausting, strength-sapping time for Michael Noonan and Brendan Howlin, battling to save our bottom line while selflessly keeping the newspapers informed of their exploits.

They have returned from the economic front with good news. Things are looking up. The fires are dying. The cliff is receding. The abyss is gone.

If this were a movie, it would end with our two battered buddies striding triumphantly down Merrion Street, dense smoke from a chimney fire billowing behind them, Michael heroically limping and Brendan toting a big cigar, the camera switching to slow motion as they come into focus.

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They faced the media in the Department of Finance yesterday morning, beaming and thrilled with each other.

The purpose of the press conference was the announcement of the exchequer returns for September, outlining the fiscal state of play before the budget.

The picture looks pleasant. Brilliant sunlight outside added to the sense of contentment radiating from the two Ministers. They sat together at the top table, very relaxed.

Fit to burst

Noonan spoke first, nonchalantly throwing out figures to indicate that the State coffers were sitting up in bed and taking a lightly boiled egg.

The returns are “significantly better than the forecast” declared Michael, as Brendan nodded happily.

“Why is all this happening?” he wondered aloud, glad he asked himself that question. “Why do we have very good results this morning?”

The Minister for Public Expenditure looked fit to burst, desperate to supply the answer. But Noonan did: “Because the economy is growing very rapidly.”

And when Michael finished, Brendan announced: “I endorse what he said.”

On the edge

Oh, but things had been tough on the edge of that abyss. The firefighting was torture. Howlin is still haunted by it.

“When we set out on the journey 4-and-a-half-years ago . . . ” he quivered, touchingly turning towards Noonan, who shot back a loving smile to his comrade-in-arms, “we would have, I suppose, given our right arm for a projected growth rate of 6.2 per cent by 2015.”

Back when they were “picking up the bits of a broken economy”, they certainly didn’t think things would turn out so well.

This is one of the big messages the Coalition wants to sell as the election approaches: do you remember how bad things were before they took over?

Another one is that there will be no wild spending spree in anticipation of the election.

“We’re trying to get away from a budgeting theory based on a concept of ‘When I have it, I spend it’,” said Noonan.

“We want to get away from a boom- and-bust cycle which wrecked us on at least three occasions . . . ”

Boom and bust, that oft-repeated bogeyman mantra.

Then there are the recovery and the growing economy. This must be stressed at every opportunity too. Michael, Brendan and the rest are working hard to do this.

On Thursday night at a reception in Dublin, Taoiseach Enda Kenny mused on the importance of The Message.

He was guest of honour at an event celebrating the 25th anniversary of Heneghan PR, a very successful company set up by Pat Heneghan, one of Fine Gael’s “national handlers” in the 1980s.

In a light-hearted aside, Enda remarked that one of the things communications experts advise is to keep repeating your message.

He rolled out a number of phrases that he and his troops are now trying to drill deep into the brains of Irish voters: securing the recovery, unemployment down, the economy on the way up. That sort of thing.

Then he delivered his sizzling punchline about spreading The Message: “If you keep saying it often enough, somebody might actually believe it.” Or words to that effect.

Still on the subject of communications, he went on to quote an old Irish saying, “Is binn béal ina thost”, which means sometimes you’re better off keeping your mouth shut.

Perhaps he should have taken the advice . . .

But back to the Department of Finance, where Noonan was explaining the finer points of economics to his audience.

“There is a theory among some critics that the economy is like a bucket, a container, and when tis full, tis full and after that then it spills over. That’s not the way if you manage it properly . . . ”

So to avoid overheating the bucket when in a growth cycle “you shouldn’t be throwing paraffin on the fire”.

Election windows

Inevitably, talk turned to the next election. The Minister for Finance is said to favour a run-out in November, so what does he think?

“Well, you know, there are two windows for an election: it’s either between now or Christmas, or it’s after Christmas.” But he wasn’t saying. Nor was he ruling out November.

It’ll be the Taoiseach’s call “and, eh, he has very good political judgment”.

But what's your opinion, Michael? "But sure, everyone has an opinion. In Ireland, there's no shortage of them."

The latest theory to torment TDs fretting about the date of the campaign points to an imminent milestone in Enda Kenny’s political career. Next month – November 12th, to be precise - he will mark40 years as a TD.

What better way to celebrate than with an election campaign? Or maybe not . . .